Douche(s) of the day

And the winner(s) is...

This lovely crew, from the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka Kansas.

As I am sure most people are aware, Elizabeth Edwards passed away the other day, after a difficult battle with cancer. In addition to the awful suffering that this disease can bring, she was also forced to deal with the public humiliation of her husbands infidelity.

So, you would think, the normal reaction to her passing would be a certain level of sadness and sympathy. You might possibly feel a bit of comfort knowing that her painful ordeal is over.

What you would not expect is a hate-filled protest at her funeral because she had the temerity to question her faith 14 years ago when her oldest son died. But, that's exactly how the single-toothed dickheads from the church of the small minded in Topeka have decided to pay their respects.

And what good is a protest without some well crafted signage? "Elizabeth is in hell now" and "Blasphemists get cancer" are a couple of the early favorites. It is expected that the group will bust out a few of their well-worn "God hates fags" signs as well, since Elizabeth was a supporter of gay rights.

As a skeptic, I question the existence of a higher power. But if he is up there, I can only imagine how proud he must be of this particular segment of his flock.

"I said I hate figs, you idiots! Figs!"

Descending into douchiness

Not sure when it happened, but at some point in recent history, it became okay to be a complete douche in public.

Perhaps it's a backlash to the political correctness movement, egged on by the supreme douchelords of our time, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck. Oh, and don't forget the almighty douchess herself, Sarah Palin.


Used to be, people wouldn't say shit like this in a public forum. So, you're a pastor at a megachurch in Texas and you feel the spirit of the lord move you to claim that Islam is an 'evil religion'? How very 'godlike' of you. Personally, I think all religions have contributed more than their fair share of evil to our planet, but that's for another blog on another day.


Shouldn't those in positions of power feel some obligation to speak with some fucking reason? 


Now this pastor is on a crusade to vilify local businesses who don't demonstrate a satisfactory level of Christmas spirit? What a wonderful idea. Nothing gets people feeling jolly like a good old fashioned jolt of public humiliation.


If it were just this Dallas-based douche that was mouth-crapping this nonsense upon his flock, that'd be okay. But it seems that the entire country has become infected with the 'if i think it i must say it' virus.


From possible presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich: 
"Obama is so outside our comprehension that only if you understand Kenyan, anticolonial behavior can you begin to piece [him] together."


From Congresswoman Michele Bachmann of Minnesota:
"I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president Jimmy Carter. And I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence."


From former Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell:
"American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains." 


Now, some will say that people are just speaking their minds and how can that be a bad thing? Under normal circumstances I might agree. But judging from what I'm hearing out of all these nitwits lately, I think it's clear that some minds are best left unspoken.

Land of the free

So I walked into a store the other day and said I wanted milk, cereal, bread, juice, eggs, potatoes and peanut butter. Then I told them I didn't want to pay for any of it. They laughed at me and told me to get the fuck out of their store.

Next day, I wrote my congressman and asked for medical insurance and income support for when I'm older and security from people who want to kill me and my fellow Americans. Told him I didn't want to pay for any of it. He said, "no problem! I can even throw in two wars at no extra charge!"

God bless America.

The death of icons?

So this is gonna make me sound like one of those crotchety old guys, but fuck it, I've come to terms with the fact that I am one of those crotchety old guys.

30 years ago, an icon was shot and killed in front of his apartment. John Lennon was not only a brilliant musician and songwriter, but he was a man of passion and ideals. A man who saw that the world needed changing and felt he could do something about it.

And he did. His music allowed us to imagine a world where people saw each other as human beings. A world where divisive groups and labels were unnecessary because we all felt united by a shared spirit.

Today, I look around and wonder who is our next John Lennon? I can't see one. Sure, we have musicians who are passionate about issues, like Lady Gaga for instance. But I do not hear this passion in her music nor do I expect that her songs will have any lasting resonance.

Musically, there are certainly quite a few artists putting out songs that will live on beyond today. I could easily see people listening to old Eminem or Jay-Z tunes 20 years from now. But I don't think either artist brings the kind of passion for ideas and ideals that Lennon brought.

Now, I'd love to proven wrong on all of this. Because I think now, more than ever, the world could use a couple of icons.

Money is scary

So I had this dream the other day. Got a new job earning a million dollars a year. It was terrifying. I kept telling myself, why me, why me?

Why am I the one burdened by the possibility of paying almost $35,000 more of this income (above 250K) to the government? How am I supposed to survive? People making 20,000 a year don't have to pay an extra 35 grand in taxes. Why not? At least then it would be fair! The government must hate the moderately rich! Why else would they make me not want to earn more money?

I would much rather earn 50 grand a year, and pay nothing more to Uncle Sam versus earning a million and having to fork over thousands more every April 15th. That 35 grand could go towards new wheels on my moon rover!

I bet the lady who cleans my maids' aprons doesn't have to worry about stuff like that.

Lucky bitch.

Then I woke up and found out the tax rates won't be going up for at least another 2 years.

Phew! Crisis averted.

Close your mind

Having an open mind is great, if you're talking about the idea of being open to new experiences, people and places.

But for some people, open minded seems to be a euphemism for having no fucking clue.

If you are an adult, you should have opinions on shit. You should not be able to enter a voting booth unsure of where you stand on critical issues.

What do I think about abortion? I don't know, I'm trying to keep an open mind about it.

Translation? I'm a spineless twit who is afraid to actually commit to anything.

What do I think of the war in Afghanistan? Not sure. I don't feel like I have all the facts.

Translation? I'm a lazy twit who doesn't want to spend the time to actually find out the facts.

What do I think about healthcare? Well, I don't really have a point of view, I just know I want my care to stay the same.

Translation? I'm a selfish twit and I can't be bothered to care about anyone else.

So, next time you hear someone bragging about how open minded they are? Ask them why they are so proud of being a twit.

Battered Obama Syndrome

It's sad to witness someone who gets abused on a regular basis. It's even sadder when the abused makes excuses for their abuser, repeatedly.

Sound like a bad lifetime movie? Hardly.

It's the story of our president and his absurdly dysfunctional relationship with the republicans in congress.

Smack! Take some extra tax cuts with your stimulus. And we still won't vote for it!

Pow! Get rid of that commie public option for healthcare. And we still won't vote for it!

Bam! Water down that cap and trade bill until it means almost nothing. And, guess what? We still won't vote for it!

Like a good abuser, they republicans stood proud, steadfast in their belief that their actions were justified. Obama was 'asking for it', so to speak.

And like most abuse victims, Obama found himself, post election shellacking, begging for forgiveness and asking for one more chance to make things work.

If I give them their tax cuts for the rich, maybe they'll stop slapping me around.

If I focus more on the deficit and less on jobs, maybe they'll really love me.

If I start sucking up to business leaders maybe they'll finally realize I've seen the error of my ways.

And so the cycle of abuse continues.

Come to think of it, it is like a bad Lifetime movie.