Safe and sexy

Airline travel is about to get sexier! That's right folks. Next time you take to the skies, you may have the pleasure of a full body scan in full view of everyone at the airport. You also get a healthy (not really) dose of radiation, at no extra charge! But wait, there's more. If you travel now, you can also have your digital semi-nudes published across the world by bored TSA agents who have unfettered access to your images, for an unlimited time!

Not interested? Well, you can also choose what's behind door number 2! That's right, if flashing your jibbly bits all over the world is not your thing, you can elect for a more intimate experience—a one-on-one full body, every nook and cranny, pat down from your choice (not really) of security personnel. You don't even have to tip them when they're done. Sweet!

The best part of it all? No matter which option you choose, you'll not only feel sexier, you'll also feel safer! You won't actually be safer, but who cares? As long as you feel warm and fuzzy while the guy next to you on the plane carries a load of C4 in his colon, it's all good, right?

And think about how much more secure you'll feel than those lowly people who travel by bus or train. They get to where they're going without exposing themselves or getting felt up at all. So sad.

I, for one won't stand for it. As of today, I am starting a movement to make sure that all travelers enjoy the same sexy, safe-feeling travel that airline passengers experience.

Who's with me?