In a memo to his major news outlets, Jesus Christ outlined his reasons for postponing this weekend's highly anticipated rapture extravaganza.
"It has come to my attention that nearly all of my flock is completely full of shit. Not only have they deviated severely from my teachings, but they have managed to sully my name by attaching it to some of the most harmful, hurtful ideas I have ever witnessed.
The son of God doesn't pull any punches, keeping this tone throughout the entire 4-page (double sided, because Jesus likes trees) memo.
"I am not sure how many times I said this back in the year 30 or so, but apparently it bears repeating. Love your fucking neighbor as you would yourself. Shit, how hard is that to remember? I took the 10 commandments, which apparently were soooooo hard for everyone to follow, and distilled them into one tidy little directive. And yet all of y'all just can't seem to get on board. Pathetic.
He saved his harshest words for his most ardent supporters.
"These so-called evangelical Christians? Wow, did you people miss the point or what? I said so much good shit when I was down here the last time. Help the poor, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, tend to the sick, yada, yada, yada. Apparently all that stuff went right through your empty little heads. And what about the whole turn the other cheek thing? Not ringing a bell? How about the stuff about rich dudes having a tougher time making it to heaven? No? Seriously?
He really lets the evangelicals have it in his next paragraph.
"And what is this obsession with gay people? I never said shit about gays, not one fucking word. I guess I didn't think I had to. Figured y'all would understand that they were included in the whole love thy neighbor schpeel. But nooooooo, apparently you need me to spell it out for ya. Okay, here goes. I do not give a flying crap who any of you have sex with. Really. Doesn't matter to me in the least. All I ask is that you try to be respectful of one another and yourself in the process. Oh, and wear a rubber. Got it?
Those expecting a definitive statement on the rapture's rescheduling will have to wait a while, according to Christ.
"I'm done putting shit on the calendar. What's the point? I gave everyone nearly 2,000 years to prepare for this shit and look where that got me. I'm not making that mistake again. For now, the destruction of earth and the assumption of souls into heaven is on indefinite hold. Check back with me in another 2,000 years and maybe I'll reconsider. But for now, I'm just not feeling very accommodating. Sorry."
As is his way, the lamb of God ended his memo with a joke.
"What has two thumbs and is heading back to heaven, alone? This guy! Peace out motherfuckers! Love, JHC"
Hallelujah, praise be!
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