Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Selfish asshole with two jobs ruining the economy

You lousy, self-centered prick.

You couldn't stop yourself, could you? A couple of hungry kids and some unpaid medical bills and suddenly you think you have the right to go out and 'provide for your family'?


You weren't satisfied with just one job? 50 hours a week wasn't enough for you? You had to run out and take a second gig, knowing full well it means that some other poor sap won't have one as a result?

It's all me, me, me with you isn't it?

Did you ever stop to think about the needs of that chump whose job you just stole? He has a family too. He probably has medical bills as well—it's tough to stay healthy when you can't afford a decent meal every day.

Maybe it's time you owned up and recognized that you are the problem. You are the one keeping this economy from catching fire again. You and all of the countless pricks just like you, taking on extra work that could be done by any number of our 14 million unemployed.

So what'll it be, bucco? Are you gonna stay the selfish course and continue driving our economy into the ground or will you do the right thing and relinquish your second job so that someone more deserving can have it and become a productive member of society again?

I don't wanna hear any whining about those incessant calls from creditors or those untended illnesses that keep your kids out of school for weeks at a time. I don't wanna hear about those belligerent bankers who keep knocking on your door, threatening foreclosure.

Just shut the fuck up and give someone else a chance at the American Dream you seem so intent on hogging.

It's the least you can do. Asshole.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Peace, love and misunderstanding

Hippies like a good protest. It's in their DNA. From the Vietnam War to the WTO to the current uprising on Wall Street, hippies have always been at the forefront of anti-establishment challenges.

Now, you may hate hippies. You think they're lazy. You think they smell. You hate Phish.

But that does not negate the importance of the battle being fought on the streets of downtown New York and across the nation.

The unchecked power of Wall Street and the out of control influence of corporate money in politics are the primary drivers of our current economic woes.

The question is, hippie-hater, why don't you care?

Unless you're nestled comfortably among the wealthiest 1% of Americans, you are almost certainly on the receiving end of Wall Street's promiscuity.

Sure, you may have a job. You may even be getting the occasional raise or promotion. But look around. You're healthcare costs are exploding. The roads you drive on are crumbling. Your rent is skyrocketing. Or your home value is plummeting.

Every time you take a step forward, Wall Street, fist firmly planted in your ass, pulls you back two paces.

It's even worse for the unemployed and under-employed. As more and more money gets funneled to the top, less is available to those closer to the bottom. These people are forced to draw more from safety-net programs like Medicaid and unemployment insurance, putting a further strain on our government's finances.

As the government struggles to make ends meet, it receives more pressure from those at the top (who don't want their taxes to go up) to cut those vital safety net programs in addition to key investments like education and infrastructure.

Which ends up screwing all of us, except those wealthy enough to private-school their kids, pay cash for their college educations and drive on private roads or fly over them in private jets and helicopters.

Which brings us back to our dirty hippies. Yes, they may not fully understand what it is they're protesting. But they smell it (even amid all of that pot and patchouli). They smell the stench of a financial establishment that has run amok. They smell the foul odor of a government that has sold itself to the highest bidder. The smell the rancid stink of a political process that accomplishes nothing and leaves millions disenfranchised.

So they follow their nose (yes, occasionally getting distracted by the marijuana) to the place where it all went wrong. The place, that in an ideal world, should be where hope is born. A place where resources flow to those with the best ideas. A place that understands how much every decision it makes has a lasting impact on people throughout the world.

But, sadly, that place no longer exists (if it ever did). So the hippies gather. And you hate hippies. So, as you walk by the protests, you make fun of their long hair and funky clothes, never realizing that you're actually on the same side in this fight.

Fifty floors up, behind double-paned glass, a group of men and women are looking down at the crowd, laughing.

But they're not laughing at the hippies. They're laughing at you.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Lots of flavors, no taste

Will Chris Christie run or won't he? Millions of Republicans are on the edge of their seats in anticipation.

Not because they want him to be president, mind you. No, they don't really think anyone is qualified to be president, except Jesus. Maybe.

No, they want Christie because they need someone new to fawn over before deciding he doesn't meet their incredibly high (after all, these are the same people who nominated George W. Bush, twice) standards.

Mitt was fun for a while, what with his Frankensteinian good looks and his ability to say anything put in front of him without a hint of internal conflict.

But that got old pretty quickly.

Fortunately, Donald Trump was waiting in the wings to keep everyone entertained for a while. The billionaire himbo was quick to jump on the birther bandwagon. This endeared him to the more extreme elements of the party, otherwise known as everyone except Andrew Sullivan and David Frum.

But alas, Donny boy was not long for the game, unwilling to sacrfice his "Apprentice" fortune for the good of the nation.

Luckily, a glassy-eyed congresswoman from Minnesota was ready to pounce on the opportunity. Michele Bachmann appeared to have it all. The almost-as-hot-as-Palin looks, the religious fervor and a profound misunderstanding of our nation's history that allowed her to latch on to every insane tea party position without question.

This seemingly flawless formula carried Ms. Bachmann to victory at the Iowa straw poll back in August. It should have been her crowning moment. But alas, a dim-witted fella in tight chinos from down in Texas was about to ruin everything.

Rick Perry strutted onto the scene like a constipated Clint Eastwood, promising to release our nation from the tyranny of organized government. No time for half-assed 'reform'. What this country needs is someone who'll come into Washington, guns a blazin', and set the whole damn town on fire.

If he only had a brain. Unfortunately, the only thing larger than his Texas-sized ego turned out to be the gaping hole inside his head.

Now what? With seemingly viable candidates dropping faster than Sarah Palin at an NBA game, where was the party to turn?

Herman Cain? Please. While his extreme anti-Muslim rhetoric must be quite comforting to the party faithful, it will never be enough to help him overcome his most glaring weakness in their eyes—the color of his skin.

Ron Paul? He almost had a chance when he suggested that hypothetical 30-year-old dude without health insurance should just suck it up and die, but what else has he got? You can only impress people with the whole 'let him die' thing so many times. Once they get a whiff of your extreme anti-war beliefs, you're toast, pussy.

With the rest of the field polling at around 2% or lower, it's clear that the Repubs are not overly excited at the prospect of a President Huntsman, Santorum, Johnson or Gingrich.

So enter the big guy from Jersey. King Christie.

He's a straight-talking, union-busting superstar. Business leaders love him. Party leaders respect him. He's the perfect candidate, right?

For now. If chooses to get in the race, it won't take long before his anti-gun, pro-gay beliefs come to the forefront. You really think folks down in South Carolina are gonna vote for the blustery guy from Jersey who likes queers and hates shooting stuff? Don't think so.

Which brings us back, full circle, to our boy Mitt. He's a bore. He's a suck-up. He's an empty suit without a single core belief to be criticized, critiqued or called out.

He's perfect.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Lesson learned

The great recession has been the complete opposite of great. It has been a total catastrophe for our nation.

How did we get here?

Mortgages were packaged as securities and traded like baseball cards, resulting in the largest reduction in home values ever.

The financial system nearly collapsed as trillions of dollars worth of toxic assets threatened to destroy banks' balance sheets.

Reckless deregulation of financial services led to rampant speculation across the board—driving up commodities prices, sending fuel costs through the roof and throwing entire nations into chaos while tossing more and more Americans onto welfare rolls.

And out of control, unfunded wars raged on, draining valuable resources, killing thousands of our best and brightest and exploding our national debt to unprecedented levels.

But luckily, after all of this misery, we've come together as a nation and learned a valuable lesson.

It's all the Mexicans fault.

Guess we can move on now.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Murderer hangs 'em up

"I was really just starting to hit my stride with the whole killing thing, so today is kind of a sad day for me.

A wistful Eric Allen Smith was nearly in tears as he explained his sudden retirement.

"Listen, I love putting people down, don't get me wrong. It's what I do. It's in my blood. My daddy was murderer. His daddy too. But I guess all good things have to end sometime.

So why the change of heart?

"Shit, that's easy. Last night, the government killed this guy who was maybe a murderer, maybe not. Who the fuck knows, right? Doesn't matter. What matters is it sent a crystal clear message to guys like me.

And what exactly is that message?

"Pretty obvious, no? If you kill someone or maybe kill someone or kinda sorta look like a dude who coulda possibly killed someone, you will be taken down.

But doesn't the fact that Troy Davis may have been innocent bother you?

"Ha, you're talking to the wrong man if you want sympathy for some guy getting killed, dude. Just 'cause I'm hanging up my ice pick doesn't mean I don't still appreciate a good old fashioned slaying. Just wish it wasn't that pussy lethal injection shit. Where's the art in that?

So what will Smith do now?

"I don't know, man, I just don't know. I don't have any skills, other than gutting folks with kitchen tools and burying bodies.

At that moment, a smile came across Smith's face.

"Maybe I could work at the morgue. I don't think they kill your for chopping up someone who's already dead. At least not yet."

Monday, September 19, 2011

Class Warfare is just a fancy way of saying economics

Republicans are up in arms that Obama wants to raise taxes on millionaires. "Class warfare" was the common refrain on this weekend's political shows.

Democrats are no better, really. They try to spin things around, saying that it's the wealthy who have been waging class warfare on the poor and middle class for the past 30 years.

They're both right. But they're also both missing the point.

In it's most basic form, economics is the mechanism through which a group of people allocate scarce resources.

The key word is 'scarce'. In other words, everyone needs to fight for their piece of the economic pie. So rich people use their influence to grab more and more goodies and the rest of us use whatever means we have available to try to grab some scraps for ourselves.

It should not surprise anyone that this battle is often one-sided. Those with more resources will always have an easier time accumulating even more. Money begets power. Power begets influence. Influence begets policies that help funnel more of the kitty your way.

We shouldn't blame the rich for gaming the system. It's only natural to want a larger slice of the pie, particularly when that pie appears to be shrinking as it has in the last few years.

Instead, the rest of us should be figuring out how to get our share.


We need to be informed. Most Americans greatly underestimate the amount of inequality in America.

We need to care. Understanding is great, but without passion, it means nothing.

We need to act. Write your congressman. Sign petitions. Attend rallies. And most importantly, vote. And I don't mean blindly pulling levers like you normally do, I mean actually understanding the consequences of your decision and then acting on it. Don't just sit there and let political advertising dictate who you choose. Do a little damn research on your own. It's amazing how often people choose to vote against their own interests. Ignorance is almost always to blame.

Need more affordable health care? Vote for the person more likely to make it happen.

Wish the roads weren't so crappy? Send someone who cares about infrastructure to Washington.

Want to pay 0% tax on your capital gains? Vote Republican.

It's really all quite elementary. Call it class warfare if you must. But don't act like that somehow negates the struggle most Americans face each day.

We all want a little piece of the dream. If that means we have to occasionally hurl stones at the castle, so be it. I just wish those doing the hurling weren't so quick to run away every time the king starts crying.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

You say scandal, I say opportunity

She snorts cocaine off oil drums!

She bangs basketball players!

She cheats on her husband!

Hey America, that sassy little lady from Wasilla is one funky lady, you dig? Behind those cat eye glasses lurks the soul of a wild woman. When she's not picking off wolves from her private helicopter, she's fornicating, philandering and freebasing her way around the country! What a gal!

Perry's a prick. Bachmann's a bore. Romney's a robot.

Isn't it time you took a second look at America's favorite heat-packing sweetheart?

Palin 2012. The sexy choice. The right choice. The only choice for America.