Thursday, September 22, 2011

Murderer hangs 'em up

"I was really just starting to hit my stride with the whole killing thing, so today is kind of a sad day for me.

A wistful Eric Allen Smith was nearly in tears as he explained his sudden retirement.

"Listen, I love putting people down, don't get me wrong. It's what I do. It's in my blood. My daddy was murderer. His daddy too. But I guess all good things have to end sometime.

So why the change of heart?

"Shit, that's easy. Last night, the government killed this guy who was maybe a murderer, maybe not. Who the fuck knows, right? Doesn't matter. What matters is it sent a crystal clear message to guys like me.

And what exactly is that message?

"Pretty obvious, no? If you kill someone or maybe kill someone or kinda sorta look like a dude who coulda possibly killed someone, you will be taken down.

But doesn't the fact that Troy Davis may have been innocent bother you?

"Ha, you're talking to the wrong man if you want sympathy for some guy getting killed, dude. Just 'cause I'm hanging up my ice pick doesn't mean I don't still appreciate a good old fashioned slaying. Just wish it wasn't that pussy lethal injection shit. Where's the art in that?

So what will Smith do now?

"I don't know, man, I just don't know. I don't have any skills, other than gutting folks with kitchen tools and burying bodies.

At that moment, a smile came across Smith's face.

"Maybe I could work at the morgue. I don't think they kill your for chopping up someone who's already dead. At least not yet."

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