Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Wolf Blitzer shoots Herman Cain at GOP debate, crowd cheers

In a surprise twist during last night's Republican presidential debate, Wolf Blitzer pulled out a .45 Magnum and fired it directly into longshot candidate Herman Cain's chest, killing him immediately.

And the mostly tea party crowd went wild, cheering like a bunch of frat boys at a wet t-shirt contest. The debate actually had to be delayed for 10 minutes until everyone simmered down.

Speaking of the late Cain, one audience member, still giddy, explained her jubilant reaction.

"Listen, I like killing in all it's forms. Whether it's some retard in Texas getting the chair or some freeloading Mexican without health insurance getting what he deserves when the cancer finally gets 'em. This Cain thing is no different. Just a good killin', that's all."

Another tea party attendee offered a slightly different perspective.

"First off, the guy was asking for it, the way he talked back to Governor Perry. That ain't right. And shit, the guy's black. So he's probably on welfare. Way I see it, Blitzer done saved me a few bucks taking that guy out."

The candidates themselves were decidedly noncommittal, choosing to remain silent on the matter. Except for Perry.

"Justice was done. People like justice. Man shoulda kept his mouth shut. Justice, justice, justice. Go horns!"

Later, as the candidates left the stage and the janitor mopped blood off the stage, the crowd erupted into an impromptu cheer for Blitzer, chanting "Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!" for nearly two minutes straight, until Sarah Palin swooped in on her private helicopter and took Blitzer out with a shotgun.

After a brief pause to assess what happened, the crowd again erupted into cheers.

Grand Ol' Party, indeed.

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