Wednesday, December 22, 2010

My Christmas wish? A Palin-free future.

I realize my little blog with it's low double-digit readership is probably not going to hold much sway over someone as inexplicably popular as Sarah Palin, but I still feel I have to try.

For the love of Zeus and all that is holy can this woman please, once and for all, just shut the fuck up?

We have been forced to listen to her mind-numbing drivel for over 2 years now and I'm not sure my brain can take another second.

Her latest gem? Slamming Michelle Obama for her efforts to curb childhood obesity, essentially calling it a "war" on dessert.

Holy shit! Are you kidding me? Yes, the first lady's seemingly well-intentioned concern for the health of our fat children is in fact part of a larger plan to kill Betty Crocker and Sara Lee.

These are the kind of comments I expect from the deranged guy on the subway platform, not from someone who holds sway over tens of millions of people.

And that's what makes it so fucking scary. Seemingly reasonable people all over the country listen to this woman and think 'wow, she's really got a neat point of view!"

What is it? The MILF thing? Her Fargo-esque accent? The wolf killing? What makes her so endearing to so many?

Whatever it is, just stop it. I'm begging you. If she ever becomes president, I'm going to have to move to Canada. And I fucking hate the cold.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Batshit crazy idea of the week

It's called the "repeal amendment" and it's gaining momentum. Essentially, it would allow states to overturn any federal law they found particularly repugnant, if they can get 2/3 of all states to agree.

The funny part is, the root of this absurd idea comes from those who cling to an absolutist, states-rights driven interpretation of the constitution. If the constitution is so damn perfect as is, why the fuck are you intent on changing it?

Yes, the federal government sometimes overreaches and passes an ill-advised law. But guess what? The constitution already allows us to throw people out of office and elect people who can vote to overturn those laws.

It's as if some people don't really want a country at all. Just a bunch of renegade states who occasionally come together to blow other countries up or invade people's bedrooms.

It also seems that people take a very selective reading of the constitution they claim to adore.

Anyone ever actually read the damn document? This little bit, called the preamble, seems to give the federal government a pretty broad scope.

"We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America."

There's also a whole section (Article 1, Section 10) that pretty explicitly calls out a bunch of shit that states don't have the right to do.

So before we go pulling out the muskets and marching off to Fort Sumter to start another civil war, let's get educated people.

If, after really reading the constitution, you still think we need a new law that essentially invalidates the whole document, go for it. Of course, that would involve actually reading something, and I have a hunch that's not really your thing.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Free to be a selfish prick

So the damn government wants to force me to buy health insurance, huh? Some nerve those Washington bureaucrats have. Asking me to be a responsible adult. It's an outrage! If I want to fly by the seat of my pants and never see a doctor until I get my cock caught in the rototiller, then who the fuck is Uncle Sam to tell me otherwise?

Sure, I don't expect to pay full price when I drag my mutilated junk into the ER. This is America, we don't pay full price for anything here. As long as I'm not no god-danged Mexican or something, I've earned the right to get my unit sewn up on the cheap. But forcing me to by insurance? That ain't right. What if I never get my dick stuck in anything? Then I've gone and wasted thousands of dollars just so some other dillweed can get his prostate checked on a regular basis? Sounds pretty gay if you ask me.

Thank the good lord we've got some decent folks in Washington who are trying to make sure this obamacare commie nonsense never sees the light of day. In fact, a good judge up in Virginia was kind enough to see things my way on the whole making me buy insurance crap. Nice to know some folks got their heads on straight.

Now, if you'll 'scuse me, I gotta go to the ER and get my nut sack untangled from the weed whacker. Again.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Douche(s) of the day

This one is a few days late but still has me fired up. The following douchebags are the members of the Senate who voted against providing health care benefits to 9/11 responders and survivors.

I would love to get all of these fucknuggets into a room so they can try and explain exactly why they voted no. Not because I want to hear their lame excuses, but because it would ensure their mouths are open long enough for me to piss down their throats.

And now, with out further ado, your daily douchebags.

Lamar Alexander (R) TN
John Barrasso (R) WY
Robert Bennett (R) UT
Christopher Bond (R) MO
Scott Brown (R) MA
Jim Bunning (R) KY
Richard Burr (R) NC
Saxby Chambliss (R) NC
Thomas Coburn (R) GA
Thad Cochran (R) MS
Susan Collins (R) ME
Bob Corker (R) TN
John Cornyn (R) TX
Michael Crapo (R) ID
Jim DeMint (R) SC
John Ensign (R) NV
Michael Enzi (R) WY
Lindsey Graham (R) SC
Charles Grassley (R) IA
Judd Gregg (R) NH
Orrin Hatch (R) UT
Kay Hutchinson (R) TX
James Inhofe (R) OK
John Isakson (R) GA
Mike Johanns (R) NE
Mark Kirk (R) IL
Jon Kyl (R) AZ
George LeMieux (R) FL
Richard Lugar (R) IN
John McCain (R) AZ
Mitch McConnell (R) KY
Lisa Murkowski (R) AK
James Risch (R) ID
Pat Roberts (R) KS
Jefferson Sessions (R) AL
Richard Shelby (R) AL
Olympia Snowe (R) ME
John Thune (R) SD
David Vitter (R) LA
George Voinovich (R) OH
Roger Wicker (R) MS

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Wiki Wiki What?

Everyone is up in arms about the whole Wikileaks phenomenon. Sarah Palin wants Julian Assange stoned to death. Michael Moore wants him canonized as a saint.

Guess, what? They are both wrong.

As a general rule, transparency is a good thing. The more we know about governments, corporations and other large organizations, the better.

But when it comes to our national defense, I tend to operate under the 'la la la la la I can't hear you' philosophy. You keep me safe, I don't really wanna know how you do it.

I'm not saying there shouldn't be any oversight, but let's get real for a second. There is a reason some shit is labeled classified or top secret. Some information could be dangerous if it falls into the wrong hands. How exactly am I benefiting by learning details of a covert mission overseas?

This false sense of outrage at what happens during a war is just ridiculous if you ask me. I've never been in the military, but I can only imagine how fucking confusing, scary, lonely, intense and chaotic it all must be.

I imagine sometimes things don't go as planned. And I would also imagine that even if it does go as planned, it's not all that pretty.

So unless you're prepared to strap on a helmet and see the reality of war first hand, let's drop the sanctimonious posturing and focus our energies on shit worthy of genuine outrage.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Douche(s) of the day

And the winner(s) is...

This lovely crew, from the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka Kansas.

As I am sure most people are aware, Elizabeth Edwards passed away the other day, after a difficult battle with cancer. In addition to the awful suffering that this disease can bring, she was also forced to deal with the public humiliation of her husbands infidelity.

So, you would think, the normal reaction to her passing would be a certain level of sadness and sympathy. You might possibly feel a bit of comfort knowing that her painful ordeal is over.

What you would not expect is a hate-filled protest at her funeral because she had the temerity to question her faith 14 years ago when her oldest son died. But, that's exactly how the single-toothed dickheads from the church of the small minded in Topeka have decided to pay their respects.

And what good is a protest without some well crafted signage? "Elizabeth is in hell now" and "Blasphemists get cancer" are a couple of the early favorites. It is expected that the group will bust out a few of their well-worn "God hates fags" signs as well, since Elizabeth was a supporter of gay rights.

As a skeptic, I question the existence of a higher power. But if he is up there, I can only imagine how proud he must be of this particular segment of his flock.

"I said I hate figs, you idiots! Figs!"

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Descending into douchiness

Not sure when it happened, but at some point in recent history, it became okay to be a complete douche in public.

Perhaps it's a backlash to the political correctness movement, egged on by the supreme douchelords of our time, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck. Oh, and don't forget the almighty douchess herself, Sarah Palin.

Used to be, people wouldn't say shit like this in a public forum. So, you're a pastor at a megachurch in Texas and you feel the spirit of the lord move you to claim that Islam is an 'evil religion'? How very 'godlike' of you. Personally, I think all religions have contributed more than their fair share of evil to our planet, but that's for another blog on another day.

Shouldn't those in positions of power feel some obligation to speak with some fucking reason? 

Now this pastor is on a crusade to vilify local businesses who don't demonstrate a satisfactory level of Christmas spirit? What a wonderful idea. Nothing gets people feeling jolly like a good old fashioned jolt of public humiliation.

If it were just this Dallas-based douche that was mouth-crapping this nonsense upon his flock, that'd be okay. But it seems that the entire country has become infected with the 'if i think it i must say it' virus.

From possible presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich: 
"Obama is so outside our comprehension that only if you understand Kenyan, anticolonial behavior can you begin to piece [him] together."

From Congresswoman Michele Bachmann of Minnesota:
"I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president Jimmy Carter. And I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence."

From former Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell:
"American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains." 

Now, some will say that people are just speaking their minds and how can that be a bad thing? Under normal circumstances I might agree. But judging from what I'm hearing out of all these nitwits lately, I think it's clear that some minds are best left unspoken.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Land of the free

So I walked into a store the other day and said I wanted milk, cereal, bread, juice, eggs, potatoes and peanut butter. Then I told them I didn't want to pay for any of it. They laughed at me and told me to get the fuck out of their store.

Next day, I wrote my congressman and asked for medical insurance and income support for when I'm older and security from people who want to kill me and my fellow Americans. Told him I didn't want to pay for any of it. He said, "no problem! I can even throw in two wars at no extra charge!"

God bless America.

The death of icons?

So this is gonna make me sound like one of those crotchety old guys, but fuck it, I've come to terms with the fact that I am one of those crotchety old guys.

30 years ago, an icon was shot and killed in front of his apartment. John Lennon was not only a brilliant musician and songwriter, but he was a man of passion and ideals. A man who saw that the world needed changing and felt he could do something about it.

And he did. His music allowed us to imagine a world where people saw each other as human beings. A world where divisive groups and labels were unnecessary because we all felt united by a shared spirit.

Today, I look around and wonder who is our next John Lennon? I can't see one. Sure, we have musicians who are passionate about issues, like Lady Gaga for instance. But I do not hear this passion in her music nor do I expect that her songs will have any lasting resonance.

Musically, there are certainly quite a few artists putting out songs that will live on beyond today. I could easily see people listening to old Eminem or Jay-Z tunes 20 years from now. But I don't think either artist brings the kind of passion for ideas and ideals that Lennon brought.

Now, I'd love to proven wrong on all of this. Because I think now, more than ever, the world could use a couple of icons.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Money is scary

So I had this dream the other day. Got a new job earning a million dollars a year. It was terrifying. I kept telling myself, why me, why me?

Why am I the one burdened by the possibility of paying almost $35,000 more of this income (above 250K) to the government? How am I supposed to survive? People making 20,000 a year don't have to pay an extra 35 grand in taxes. Why not? At least then it would be fair! The government must hate the moderately rich! Why else would they make me not want to earn more money?

I would much rather earn 50 grand a year, and pay nothing more to Uncle Sam versus earning a million and having to fork over thousands more every April 15th. That 35 grand could go towards new wheels on my moon rover!

I bet the lady who cleans my maids' aprons doesn't have to worry about stuff like that.

Lucky bitch.

Then I woke up and found out the tax rates won't be going up for at least another 2 years.

Phew! Crisis averted.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Close your mind

Having an open mind is great, if you're talking about the idea of being open to new experiences, people and places.

But for some people, open minded seems to be a euphemism for having no fucking clue.

If you are an adult, you should have opinions on shit. You should not be able to enter a voting booth unsure of where you stand on critical issues.

What do I think about abortion? I don't know, I'm trying to keep an open mind about it.

Translation? I'm a spineless twit who is afraid to actually commit to anything.

What do I think of the war in Afghanistan? Not sure. I don't feel like I have all the facts.

Translation? I'm a lazy twit who doesn't want to spend the time to actually find out the facts.

What do I think about healthcare? Well, I don't really have a point of view, I just know I want my care to stay the same.

Translation? I'm a selfish twit and I can't be bothered to care about anyone else.

So, next time you hear someone bragging about how open minded they are? Ask them why they are so proud of being a twit.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Battered Obama Syndrome

It's sad to witness someone who gets abused on a regular basis. It's even sadder when the abused makes excuses for their abuser, repeatedly.

Sound like a bad lifetime movie? Hardly.

It's the story of our president and his absurdly dysfunctional relationship with the republicans in congress.

Smack! Take some extra tax cuts with your stimulus. And we still won't vote for it!

Pow! Get rid of that commie public option for healthcare. And we still won't vote for it!

Bam! Water down that cap and trade bill until it means almost nothing. And, guess what? We still won't vote for it!

Like a good abuser, they republicans stood proud, steadfast in their belief that their actions were justified. Obama was 'asking for it', so to speak.

And like most abuse victims, Obama found himself, post election shellacking, begging for forgiveness and asking for one more chance to make things work.

If I give them their tax cuts for the rich, maybe they'll stop slapping me around.

If I focus more on the deficit and less on jobs, maybe they'll really love me.

If I start sucking up to business leaders maybe they'll finally realize I've seen the error of my ways.

And so the cycle of abuse continues.

Come to think of it, it is like a bad Lifetime movie.