Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Stick your head in gravy

I read a book recently that compared the US to a teenager, struggling to assert itself as a relatively young nation.

I think the the author was being generous.

I think we are more similar to a group of 5-year-olds on the playground, all struggling to get everything they want without concern for anyone else's feelings.

How else can you explain our obsessive pursuit of individual liberty?

"I wanna fire my gun wherever I want! But the government's being a big meany!"

"I wanna drive my truck really fast! But stupid signs keep telling me to slow down!"

"I don't wanna buy health insurance! Can't make me!"

Well, first of all, I think the group of kids in that school across the street from you might have a different opinion on your gun usage.

Secondly, the 600 thousand or so auto accidents each year makes me think you should be keeping an eye on your speedometer.

And, last of all, unless your willing to forgo medical treatment next time you get conked in the head by a backhoe, I don't wanna hear your crying about health insurance.

We all share space in this country. Which means, you need to be a teeny bit accommodating once in a while, even if it means not being able to do exactly what you want.

If you want absolute freedom, go buy yourself a private island where you can shoot the shit out of stuff, drive your truck off cliffs and rely on your wits to keep you healthy.

What's that? You can't afford your own island? There you go again, crying like a 5 year old.

Monday, November 29, 2010

The best medicine

In a world that makes people angry, sad and confused so frequently, a person who can make us laugh is truly a gift. For me, Leslie Nielsen was one of the funniest movie actors I've ever witnessed.

His deadpan delivery was unmatched. And he left us with an endless supply of quotable lines that will live on forever. If you ever find yourself in need of a pick-me-up, just watch Airplane or one of the Naked Gun movies and I guarantee you will soon be smiling.

Rest in Peace, Leslie.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The little idiot who cried Hitler.

Senator-elect Rand Paul has apparently compared our president to Hitler.

Surely he must realize that Barack Obama is in fact nothing like Hitler.

I did some research and learned that Hitler, at last count, has murdered some 6 million more people than the president.

Hitler also wrote a book whose primary thesis was "The Jewish Peril". Obama wrote a book about "Hope".

It is also believed that Hitler had a pretty wicked meth habit. I'm pretty sure Obama's near perfect teeth are proof that he is clean.

But yet, the comparisons persist. And persist. And persist.

And as time goes on, more of us will continue to ignore. And ignore. And ignore.

So what's the big deal?

Well, what happens when someone who actually is like Hitler comes along? And Mr. Paul or someone similar calls attention to the similarities.

Will we ignore him, like the little boy who cried wolf?

In case you don't remember, that's story didn't end well.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Deny. Distract. Defer.

Need something done but don't have the will, energy or balls to do it? There's a simple solution. Do nothing.

This has become the new mantra of our nation. Instead of tackling the issues at hand with the necessary ferocity, we channel our energies into finding new ways not to get things done.

And why not? It's so much easier to ignore something than to actually do anything.

Global warming is going to destroy the world as we know it? No worries! I don't believe in global warming. Check that one off the list. Next!

Housing market crash? Oooh, sounds terrible. Did you hear they're building a mosque down at ground zero? Let's spend a few months fighting about that instead.

Need to tackle that nasty deficit? Sure, no problem! Just as soon as I give everyone a massive tax cut costing trillions of dollars.

Not getting stuff done has become so prevalent, members of congress should not hold hearings about it. Talk show hosts should dedicate entire shows to anything other than it. And journalists should absolutely not write about it.

This would go a long way towards ensuring we never get anything done. Which is pretty impressive, if you don't think about it.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The pussification of business

I've been reading a lot about how business leaders in this country are afraid to start hiring because of economic 'uncertainty'. If only they had a clearer sense of how the next few years were going to play out, then they could finally put our country back to work.

Hmm. Can someone please pinpoint for me exactly when the folks who run businesses in this country became a bunch of raging pussies?

Uncertainty? Really? When the fuck have things in this country ever been certain? In the past 150 years we've been through a civil war, two world wars with a great depression sandwiched in between, a long drawn out conflict in South Asia, the cold war, 9/11 and the near collapse of our financial markets. Yet through it all, business people found a way to persevere. In fact, typically, business has thrived in this country when faced with an uncertain future. Our entrepreneurial spirit usually kicks into high gear when the going gets especially rough.

But not this time, apparently. Now, after our government has shelled out over a trillion dollars to keep our economy from complete collapse, business leaders have never seemed more despondent.

But my taxes might go up! They want us to follow rules! The president called me names!

Ahh, so there it is. It's not uncertainty that you don't like, it's the fact that you are going to have to change your ways and adapt to a new reality that holds businesses accountable for their actions. You don't want certainty, unless it's your own particular brand of certainty.

Fucking pussies.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

My best friend's wedding?

OMG, I am so happy for Will and Kate! I can't believe they are finally getting married. I mean, they have been together for like, ever. I was starting to wonder if she was the 'one', ya know?

I just totally know they are going to have an amazing life together. He is smart and handsome and kind and she is such a fabulous dresser! How cute are their pictures going to be? I cannot wait to see them!

And this wedding is going to be, like, the party of the millennium. I am sure her dress is going to be just completely stunning. And he, well, he is a prince for gosh sakes, what more could you want!?!

You can totally tell how much they love each other. It really is a fairy tale come true! And I can't believe I get to be a part of it!

Oh, wait. I don't get to be a part of it. Because I don't fucking know them. Oh, well.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Safe and sexy

Airline travel is about to get sexier! That's right folks. Next time you take to the skies, you may have the pleasure of a full body scan in full view of everyone at the airport. You also get a healthy (not really) dose of radiation, at no extra charge! But wait, there's more. If you travel now, you can also have your digital semi-nudes published across the world by bored TSA agents who have unfettered access to your images, for an unlimited time!

Not interested? Well, you can also choose what's behind door number 2! That's right, if flashing your jibbly bits all over the world is not your thing, you can elect for a more intimate experience—a one-on-one full body, every nook and cranny, pat down from your choice (not really) of security personnel. You don't even have to tip them when they're done. Sweet!

The best part of it all? No matter which option you choose, you'll not only feel sexier, you'll also feel safer! You won't actually be safer, but who cares? As long as you feel warm and fuzzy while the guy next to you on the plane carries a load of C4 in his colon, it's all good, right?

And think about how much more secure you'll feel than those lowly people who travel by bus or train. They get to where they're going without exposing themselves or getting felt up at all. So sad.

I, for one won't stand for it. As of today, I am starting a movement to make sure that all travelers enjoy the same sexy, safe-feeling travel that airline passengers experience.

Who's with me?

Friday, November 12, 2010

Hypocrisy is not patriotism

So, yesterday I spoke about my distaste for those who disrespect our veterans. But I think I let some people off the hook too easily—politicians.

As bad as it is for ordinary citizens to thumb their noses at our veterans, the treatment our vets receive from our elected officials is exponentially worse.

They like to fuck our military from all sides. It starts with the tough talking, my dick is bigger than yours bullshit. But that doesn't last long before they like to whip it out and inject our troops into far away lands where the objectives are sketchy and the motives unclear. Once they get inside, the action gets really hairy, thanks to a lack of support, inadequate armor and on-the-fly mission changes.

And when our politicians realize they're never going to finish what they started? They still insist on pumping more money and manpower into what is ultimately, an exercise in futility. Which puts more and more lives at risk.

Eventually, they pull out. And decide to treat our returning troops like a used up whore, barely acknowledging their existence and hoping they'll just keep quiet about the whole experience. Gone is the false bravado that led us into war, replaced by empty promises to 'honor our vets". The final shot in the eye comes in the form of inadequate medical care, homelessness and quite often, a lifetime of post-traumatic stress.

The worst part of it all is the hypocrisy. The photo-op patriotism that rears its ugly head each year on Veterans Day (and Memorial Day and any other day there's a spare soldier around for a quick picture).

Instead of pressing flesh and flashing your overly whitened grin, how about thinking for more than 2 seconds before sending the troops you claim to respect into harms way? How about adopting a rational budgeting process that eliminates wasteful spending and leaves more room for things that soldiers actually need to do their jobs? How about including a few more bucks in that budget for programs that ensure our veterans can return home and live dignified, productive lives worthy of their sacrifice?

And you can still have your photo op. Only now, the soldiers might actually be smiling too. It's so much easier to put on a happy face when your not worried about the guy next to you stabbing you in the back.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

No thanks?

Today is the day we have set aside to honor our veterans. Seems like the least we can do if you ask me. But since we've gotten ourselves involved in 2 unpopular wars I've noticed that support for our returning servicemen and women has been less than enthusiastic from some people.

To those people, I would like to deliver a warm, hearty "go fuck yourself."

A group of young men and women volunteer to defend you from people who want to kill you and you can't muster up a thank you? Because you don't agree with the politicians who sent them there? Seems like your antipathy is bit misplaced.

Can you even begin to imagine what it must feel like to go to work each day knowing you might get shot? Do you think it sucks any less because the person looking through the scope is not 'the real enemy?'

I've also heard some people rationalize their lack of support by expressing their distaste for military 'types'. Uh, okay. We're talking about a group that is dominated by kids barely out of high school. How many 19 year olds aren't douchebags? I mean, I don't like the jackass who checks me out at Target but that doesn't keep me from giving a polite "thanks" as he moves on to ignore the next customer.

Point is, you don't have to like someone to appreciate what they do. For instance, I may not like you, but I appreciate that you are an ungrateful bastard.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Surely you can't be serious

Just a quick note for those people who think we need to cut our federal budget deficit and yet don't want to see cuts in social security, medicare or defense. if you don't think you need to cut all of these, along with raising taxes, you are not interested in deficit reduction, you are interested in magic.

Science is not everyone’s gospel

For many of us, science allows us to answer life’s biggest questions.

But for millions of Americans, science is just another subject they were forced to suffer through in high school.

Why does this matter? Because for those of us who are convinced that we need to do something drastic to save our planet from the effects of global warming, we need to convince these people before anything real will actually happen.

So when we dismiss the client change deniers as ‘lunatics’ or dismiss their arguments as ‘faux science’, we are not actually advancing our cause. For those who don’t worship at the alter of science, this just sounds like elitist name-calling. And it only serves to make skeptics dig their heels in deeper.

Have you ever taken a look at a climate change skeptic’s web page? To the untrained eye, it can be pretty convincing. They line up ‘facts’ that look just as ‘facty’ as the ones our side puts up. They use arguments that sound just as reasonable as ours. And they quote scientists whose jackets are just as white as the ones our guys and gals wear.

So how do you counter these arguments?

You can start by acknowledging that they exist. Then, you can take on their claims in a way that does not condescend or patronize. You can admit that lots of folks stand to gain money and power from the advancement of our solutions, just as their side does.

Lastly, you need to come across like a fucking human being. Stop pretending that the sacrifices required to combat climate change are no big deal. You’re asking people to change virtually every aspect of their lives. Drive an electric car. Put up solar panels. Stop working at the coal plant. Eat less meat.

Is this your first day on the planet? Have you not noticed that people hate change? A sliver of empathy could go a long way here. Perhaps we need Bill Clinton to take the lead and feel everyone’s pain.

If not, we’ll all be feeling the pain soon enough, and we’ll have no one to blame but ourselves.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

It's all natural to me

Ever hear someone say they love nature or things that are ‘all natural’? 

Take chemicals for instance. People say ‘i won’t eat that, it’s filled with chemicals”. Wanna know what I say to those people? Chemicals are delicous.

And as far as I’m concerned they’re as ‘natural’ as homemade apple pie or a baby snow leopard's foreskin. Why? Because everything that went into making that shit came from the earth somewhere. Including the scientist who mixed it all up in a lab. So why the fuck isn’t he natural? 

And what about people who hate cities because they want to be near nature? Guess what? The city is nature. We built it. We’re part of this planet. It’s nature. And quite frankly we’re a lot better at building shit than any creature you’ll find in the damn woods. You wanna hang out in a bird’s nest? Go for it. You wanna sit and admire a dam that some hairy ass beaver created? Have fun. 

Me? I’ll be sitting in a nice air conditioned restaurant eating chemically enhanced food, served by women with fake breasts. And loving every minute of it. 

Homophobia is so gay

seriously. there is nothing gayer than seeing a grown man squirming in his seat at the mere sight of a homosexual. 

it's as if they are afraid that said homo is going to lunge for their penis at any moment. it's all quite humorous to me. first of all, get over yourself. second of all, wake the fuck up. are we ever going to get to a point where we just accept people as people, in all of there shapes, sizes, colors and genital preferences? 

i just don't get it. why do you care who someone likes to have sex with? and why are you so worried that you are going to get hit on by a gay person? is it really that different than being hit on by a straight person that you're not interested in? you don't want to sleep with either of them, so what's the big deal? a simple no thanks usually does the trick in either case. 

in recent years, the big push has been to make sure that gays can't marry like everyone else. members of congress will rant for hours about the 'sanctity of marriage' in an effort to keep gays out of the club. 

really? is that the best you can come up with? are you going to follow that argument up with the old 'God didn't create adam & steve' line? it's ridiculous. 

first of all, why are you using a word like 'sanctity' to describe a state sponsored institution like marriage? seems to be crossing the old separation of church and state line, if you ask me. i mean, we're not talking about banning gay marriage in a church, we're talking about making it illegal in the eyes of the government. so keep your 'sanctiomonious' arguments out of it.

secondly, it's time to stop the denial and just spit it out already—you're afraid of gay people. you think they are going to swoop into your neighborhood, redecorate your houses, teach you how to dance and then put their penises in your mouths. 

well, your house probably could use some updating, you most likely can't dance and i'm all for sticking anything in your mouth that will get you to shut the fuck up for a few minutes. so i say, welcome homosexuals into your lives and we'll all be better off.