Tuesday, May 31, 2011

How much money do you want to make when you grow up?

To paraphrase Vince Lombardi, money isn't everything. It's the only thing.

According to the experts, no matter what industry you're in, the only way to attract the best and brightest talent is to make sure you offer a shitload of money.

Most recently, I read a piece that said If we don't pay doctors a really high wage, the next generation of students will choose something other than medicine—like running a hedge fund or investing in tech start ups.


Doesn't anyone choose their career because it's what they actually want to do anymore?

I'll be honest, it kinda freaks me out to think that my cardiologist might be distracted by dreams of $1000 bottle service with the boys from Deutsche Bank.

I want my doctor to be that guy who is so obsessed with his craft that he actually masturbates to medical illustrations.

Listen, I didn't have a clue what I wanted to do with my life until I hit my mid-twenties. But never for a second did I base my thinking on how I could make the most money. Sure, I wanted to find something that could help me earn a decent living. But my main concern was finding a career that actually inspired me to go to work each day.

Have we lost that? Have we become so money-focused in this country that kids only dream of dollar signs?

I hope not. I hope kids still ask each other "what do you want to be when you grow up?"

And I really hope that the most popular answer isn't "rich".

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Congressman gets a flat tire, also raped.

"Luckily, I had a spare."

Those were the first words out of Congressman Pete DeGraaf's mouth, when asked about this life-shattering incident.

"I planned for this. I was ready. You never know when you might suffer a flat tire and get raped at the same time. You need to be prepared.

The Republican representative from Kansas seemed remarkably unfazed by the incident. So I pressed him for more details.

"Well, you know, I just kind of noticed that the front right side of my Durango was listing a bit. So I pulled over to the shoulder. While inspecting the tire, someone must have snuck up behind me and raped me. No big deal. It happens. But, like I said, luckily I had a spare tire.

It's all a remarkable coincidence, given DeGraaf's remarks just a few days earlier.

"This chick from Missouri, she's one of their representatives, started crying to me about rape and abortion and other boring girl stuff. I just told her you gotta have a plan for life's uncertainties. You gotta have a spare. Simple shit, you know?

And the next day, he was raped.

"Just proves my point, really. Sure, I may have nightmares about the incident for the rest of my life and the community may stigmatize me unfairly and I'm at risk for a whole host of diseases. But, I got myself home safely on 4 working tires and that's what really matters.

So what's next for DeGraaf?

"I'm not sure, but I do know that whatever it is, I'll be prepared. I've already got myself a new spare!"

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Congressman takes old lady out back, shoots her

Juliette Duvall from Sugar Hill, Georgia was shot and killed Tuesday.

A stoic Rob Woodall, Republican representative from Georgia's 7th congressional district, wiped gun residue off his shirt as he explained what transpired.

"This woman had just poured her heart out to me. She spoke about how she couldn't afford to pay for her healthcare if our Medicare reforms became law."

Woodall had just conducted a town hall meeting, sharing his party's latest plan to turn Medicare into a privatized, voucher program. The 73 year-old grandmother and former executive secretary from Sugar Hill, had just finished telling her story when Woodall reprimanded her, shouting, "when do I decide I'm going to take care of me?"

Her slack jaw and dumbfounded stare made it clear to Woodall what he needed to do.

"My daddy taught me, if an animal can't take care of himself no more, the honorable thing to do is put him down. This lady was no different. She was helpless. I had no choice.

Georgia's liberal gun laws also played a part.

"Well, that was just dumb luck, really. Like an idiot, I had left my .38 on the passenger seat of my truck. Usually, I keep a .22 strapped to my ankle as well, but I just spaced today, man. Fortunately, the guy next to me at the town hall had an extra shotgun with him. He was kind enough to lend it to me.

On the way back to his taxpayer funded office in Lawrenceville, Woodall really opened up.

"We just have to stop telling people that Uncle Sam is gonna take care of everything. He may pay for my healthcare, but that's because I work for him. Why should he foot the bill if you're off earning money for someone else's uncle?

We made a quick stop at the dry cleaners where Woodall picked up a fresh shirt and dropped off his blood-soaked Brooks Brothers button down.

"I really feel good about what happened today. Heck, if I ever turn into some helpless old coot when I get older, I would expect the same treatment. I'd welcome it.

He smiled as he slipped his cuff links on to the new shirt.

"Of course, my benefits last until the day I die, so I doubt it will ever have to come to that."

Friday, May 20, 2011

Jesus cancels rapture, cites disappointment as main reason

The end of the world will have to wait.

In a memo to his major news outlets, Jesus Christ outlined his reasons for postponing this weekend's highly anticipated rapture extravaganza.

"It has come to my attention that nearly all of my flock is completely full of shit. Not only have they deviated severely from my teachings, but they have managed to sully my name by attaching it to some of the most harmful, hurtful ideas I have ever witnessed.

The son of God doesn't pull any punches, keeping this tone throughout the entire 4-page (double sided, because Jesus likes trees) memo.

"I am not sure how many times I said this back in the year 30 or so, but apparently it bears repeating. Love your fucking neighbor as you would yourself. Shit, how hard is that to remember? I took the 10 commandments, which apparently were soooooo hard for everyone to follow, and distilled them into one tidy little directive. And yet all of y'all just can't seem to get on board. Pathetic.

He saved his harshest words for his most ardent supporters.

"These so-called evangelical Christians? Wow, did you people miss the point or what? I said so much good shit when I was down here the last time. Help the poor, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, tend to the sick, yada, yada, yada. Apparently all that stuff went right through your empty little heads. And what about the whole turn the other cheek thing? Not ringing a bell? How about the stuff about rich dudes having a tougher time making it to heaven? No? Seriously?

He really lets the evangelicals have it in his next paragraph.

"And what is this obsession with gay people? I never said shit about gays, not one fucking word. I guess I didn't think I had to. Figured y'all would understand that they were included in the whole love thy neighbor schpeel. But nooooooo, apparently you need me to spell it out for ya. Okay, here goes. I do not give a flying crap who any of you have sex with. Really. Doesn't matter to me in the least. All I ask is that you try to be respectful of one another and yourself in the process. Oh, and wear a rubber. Got it?

Those expecting a definitive statement on the rapture's rescheduling will have to wait a while, according to Christ.

"I'm done putting shit on the calendar. What's the point? I gave everyone nearly 2,000 years to prepare for this shit and look where that got me. I'm not making that mistake again. For now, the destruction of earth and the assumption of souls into heaven is on indefinite hold. Check back with me in another 2,000 years and maybe I'll reconsider. But for now, I'm just not feeling very accommodating. Sorry."

As is his way, the lamb of God ended his memo with a joke.

"What has two thumbs and is heading back to heaven, alone? This guy! Peace out motherfuckers! Love, JHC"

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Sperminator 'shocks' the world

John F. Kennedy
Gary Hart
Bill Clinton
Hugh Grant
Tiger Woods
Eliot Spitzer
John Edwards
Jesse James
Mark Sanford
Thomas Jefferson
Jude Law
David Letterman
Newt Gingrich

And now, Arnie.

Are you really shocked by this latest bit of 'news'? Just how many times does this same thing need to happen before you cease to be amazed? High-powered married men have been sticking their dicks where they don't belong for centuries. Hell, I'm sure the first single-celled organisms were sticking their flagella where they didn't belong too. The powerful ones at least.

Should you be disappointed? I suppose. Angry? Maybe. But shocked? C'mon.

Personally, I don't give a fuck who anyone else fucks. Famous or not.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Republican on Republican crime

Rick Santorum wonders what the fuck John McCain knows about torture.

And the rest of the GOP is aghast that Newt Gingrich has gone off-script and developed a soft spot for sick old people.

And I can't help but laugh my ass off.

Seriously, Ricky? McCain? Torture? You're really gonna go there? Ah yes, what in the world could being stuck in a filthy hole for five years, suffering through unspeakable acts and refusing to be rescued unless all of your compatriots go with you, teach you about torture?

Meanwhile, back in the homeland, the posterboy for "enhanced interrogation techniques" Dick Cheney was piling up draft deferments and rehabbing his image after an earlier DWI conviction.

I don't agree with almost anything John McCain stands for, but for a dunce like you to claim to have a greater understanding of anything, let alone torture, is just too fucking funny for words.

And then there's our boy Newt. Poor guy. He has one little brain fart where he criticizes a plan to let a bunch of old people go without health insurance and the entire Republican party cries "traitor".

The man has called Obama a Kenyan Colonialist, food-stamp lovin', socialist, out-of-touch, constitution hatin' threat to our basic way of life. One little slip-up and suddenly all of that good stuff just never happened?

C'mon GOP, you're letting me down here. You guys are the ones who are supposed to be united. You stick to the script. You toe the line.

Now you're acting like a bunch of Democrats and tearing each other down?

If it weren't so damn funny, it'd all be kind of sad.

Monday, May 16, 2011

A new declaration of independence

I, TJack, do hereby declare independence from the United States of America.

For too long, I have been bound by laws and impeded by concern for fellow citizens. But no more.

As of today, I am becoming a 'sovereign citizen.'

No more paying taxes to care for immigrants, indigents and the incontinent.

No more supporting an interstate highway system when I only use local roads.

No more paying for abortions when I don't even have a damn uterus.

No more giving money to scientists who don't even know that God created the fucking universe.

No more supporting art for for a bunch of homos.

No more supporting public TV for a bunch of commies.

No more paying for research into "global warming." It was cold as shit this winter. Research complete, motherfucker.

No more being told what I can I cannot dump on my property. It's my damn yard. If I want to pour a little toxic sludge out back, that's my god-danged prerogative.

And last, but not least, no more being told how many guns I can have and where I can bring 'em. I've got a fucking arsenal in my basement. And some of those other parents at my son's little league games can get a little lippy. Nothing says 'step off bitch' like a couple of prominently displayed AK-47s.

Ronald Reagan once said that government wasn't the solution, it was the problem. But then he went all pussy on us and kept the government going.

Today's republicans talk a good game, but it could take years before they tear everything apart. I don't have time for that. I'm out now.

God bless the United State of Tjack.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Douche of the day - Rand Paul

It's never a good idea to compare anything to slavery. Ever. But that didn't stop GOP congressman Rand Paul yesterday.

So what, pray tell, did he think worthy of the comparison? It must be really, really bad, right? He wouldn't just trot out the old "it's like slavery" speech for something as mundane as the right to adequate healthcare, would he?

Oh yes he would. And yes he did.

There are two fundamental reasons why this comparison is fucking insane.

One, it is absurdly offensive. To compare the plight of a well-compensated doctor to that of a slave who is forced to toil every day for no money, under constant threat of being whipped and without even the most basic of freedoms shows a staggering amount of ignorance.

Secondly, it is just flat out wrong. If healthcare were indeed declared a right, no one would be 'forced' to care for anyone. You could still choose to crank out LASIK surgeries for Kentucky's wealthiest myopics (Paul is an Ophthalmologist) if you so wish. But, if you did decide to work in a federally funded community health center, yes, you would have to care for any patient who walked in the door. As a doctor, I would think this would feel more like "doing your job" versus "being a slave", but hey, I just work in advertising so what the fuck do I know?

No one forced you to become a doctor, dickhead. Nobody grabbed you in the middle of the night, chained you to a disease infested ship and sent you off to some strange land. You don't fear for your life when you travel beyond the boundaries of your workplace. You don't worry that a mob of bigots will come by your home one night and hang your entire family. You don't fear that your wife will be raped by your 'boss' any time he fucking wants. And you don't have to stand around acting like none of that shit bothers you day in and day out, year after soul-sucking year, because god forbid you do show one ounce of disgust, you might just be taken out back to receive the beating of your life.

No, cocksucker, you are not a fucking slave. You're a pathetic, hateful idiot with no concept of our nation's horrific racial history. And for that, you have earned the 'right' to be called "Douche of the Day."

Although, honestly, one day just doesn't quite feel long enough for your special brand of douchebaggery.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

11-year-old rhesus monkey to join the GOP presidential field

Overshadowed by Newt Gingrich's announcement earlier today, was the high-pitched squeal of an undersized, but politically-savvy monkey named Boo Boo.

I caught up with him earlier today at a local Jamba Juice.

"After careful consideration, my wife Pee Pee and I have decided that this is the perfect opportunity for us to mount a presidential run."

Boo Boo is expected to formally announce his candidacy on Friday during a press conference from the 3rd tree on the left in the San Diego Zoo monkey habitat.

"I resisted the call for quite some time. I was certain that at some point we would see a legitimate, intelligent human enter the fray. So I sat back and watched as Sarah, Michele, Mit and 'The Huck" made their way into the race. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. This was the best my party had to offer? Are all small-government loving homo sapiens also small-brained?"

When asked what finally pushed him over the edge, Boo Boo replied, "mostly whiskey. I mean, I get crazy when I drink that shit. So I was sitting around the TV, high as a kite on Old Number 7 when I heard that Gingrich was going to declare. That did it. If a puffy-faced, philandering, 90s retread like Newt thinks he has a shot, why the fuck not me!?!"

The political press is already abuzz with anticipation. What will Boo Boo's stance on abortion be? Will he deny global warming? Is he prepared to ignore the constitution and institute a radical Christian set of laws, as per the official GOP guidebook?

For now, he is being coy.

"I will be meeting with my advisors shortly to determine how I can best integrate my thoughtful positions on the issues with the current GOP platform that appears to have been written by a drunk pile of fecal matter."

As for potential running mates?

"I'm not prepared to make that decision just yet, but there's this orangutan at the Tampa Zoo that I've been following on Twitter, she is as smart as a whip."

Boo Boo takes a sip from his Guava/Mango smoothie and wipes his mouth.

"Now that i think about it, she may be a bit overqualified."

Monday, May 9, 2011

Just because you say it with sneer, doesn't mean it's bad

Wealth redistribution. Fuck. Tax and spend. Dickhead. Liberal. Pussy. Socialism. Douchebag. The government. Cunt. Welfare. Cocksucker. Regulation. Assnugget.

Some of these words are 'bad' words. Some aren't. Can you tell the difference?

Allow me to help.

"Wealth redistribution" is what happens when any government takes in money in the form of taxes or fees. It's called 'redistribution' because those governments typically don't take that money and turn around and give it right back to you. Generally speaking, they 'redistribute' that money to other people and projects that are deemed worthy through the legislative process.

"Fuck" is a slang term for sexual intercourse and is generally considered impolite in mixed company. The word, that is. Fucking in mixed company is perfectly okay, if you're into that sort of thing.

"Tax and Spend" is another thing that every single government does. They 'tax' people and business to obtain money that they can 'spend' on the military, infrastructure, healthcare, etc. It is not possible for a society to survive without taxing and spending. And last I checked, survival was considered a good thing. Just ask Ted Nugent.

"Dickhead" is a slang term for a guy (or girl) who is acting in an in appropriate manner. Let me use it a sentence. "Donald Trump is a dickhead."

"Liberal" is a word used to describe those who favor reform, are open to new ideas for progress, and are tolerant of the ideas and behavior of others. Assholes.

"Pussy" is a slang term for vagina. The vagina is a part of the female reproductive system. You know, the thing that most 'freedom-loving' conservatives want the government to take control of.

"Socialism" is an economic system based on state ownership of capital. It can be argued that this is not the optimal way maximize economic output. It cannot be argued that Socialism will lead to Obama eating your children and killing your grandparents, despite what Fox News may say.

"Douchebag" is a slang word for someone who acts in a reprehensible manner. It's like 'dickhead', but slimier. Allow me to use it in a sentence. "Donald Trump is a douchebag as well as a dickhead."

"The government" is a term used to describe any number of entities, set up by nations to enforce laws, encourage economic production and provide for the general welfare of its people. Our government, in particular, is made up of elected representatives, so it is a direct reflection of our values and ambitions. To hate it is to hate oneself.

"Cunt" is the ultimate 'bad' word. So bad that I probably just offended half of the population by even mentioning it.

Welfare is a word that means health, happiness, and good fortune. It's used in the first sentence of the constitution, so I would assume most right-wingers would find it unobjectionable.

Cocksucker is a slang term for someone who acts in a horrible manner. It's similar to douchebag, but with more implied malice. Allow me to use it in a sentence. "Donald Trump is a cocksucker; in addition to being a douchebag and a dickhead."

"Regulation" is term used to describe a set of laws and policies that help 'regulate' the marketplace to ensure that it operates in a beneficial manner for all citizens. Beneficial, as in good. Which was the opposite of bad, last I checked.

I'm not exactly sure what "assnugget" means, but it's fucking funny. And I'm pretty sure Donald Trump is one.

This concludes today's vocabulary lesson. For our next lesson, we will turn our attention to 'good' words like sunshine, rainbows, unicorns and automatic weapons.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Solving the budget dilemma with a knife

Instead of figuring out which programs to cut, let's focus on something much simpler. If we cut out these 9 states, we could pretty much solve all of our budget woes.
These are the 9 states that receive the most money back from the federal government. In other words, they are leeches, sucking the rest of us dry. Other than New Mexico, they all happen to be "Red" states.

North Dakota
New Mexico
West Virginia
South Dakota

Pull your weight or get the fuck out. We don't like freeloaders in this country.

Isn't that the conservative mantra? Guess I'm turning into a Righty in my old age.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

The man is dead but his legacy lives on

So he's dead. Which is great, as far as I'm concerned.

But now what?

While the bickering over who gets credit and who acted improperly will go on for quite some time, we have a more critical issue staring us in the face.

How the fuck do we fix our country?

You remember America, right? Used to be a great place. Freedom was cherished. Citizen's rights were respected, for the most part. And government policy, as a general rule, did not set out to completely screw people over.

Then came 9/11.

That crazy fuck Bin Laden masterminded the single most deadly terrorist attack in our world's history. Nearly 3,000 perished that day. But something else died along with those innocent victims.

The American way of life.

It has been a subtle shift, for the most part. We've seen the Patriot Act slowly and systematically erode civil liberties. We've seen our economy become more and more focused on short term gains over long term health. We've beefed up our military and homeland security to unprecedented levels, without paying for any of it. And we've seen our political process slowly regress into a clusterfuck of stupidity where one political party has decided that destroying our president is their most important goal. And the other party has decided to castrate themselves and stand for nothing.

This is Osama's handiwork. And it will take a lot more than a couple of bullets to undue all of it.

We need to get our troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan (and a lot of other places, too). We need to create a sensible homeland security policy that focuses on anticipating new threats instead of over-reacting to old ones. We need to rebuild our nation's infrastructure and prepare our economy for the inevitable impact of global warming. And we need to force corporate money out of the political process so we can start electing people who aren't complete money-grabbing whores with no regard for our country's future.

We can do this. We just have to give a shit.

Can't muster up any enthusiasm? Okay. Then we may as well dive down to the bottom of the ocean and pull up OBL's body, so we can strap it to the back of a boat, Bernie-style. Because until we start fixing all of these problems, Bin Laden is as good as alive anyway.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Oh, the inhumanity

Ever wonder if you have an alien living in the neighborhood?

Well, now there is a fool-proof test to see if your suspicions are correct.

It's easy, really. Just take a lie detector machine, hook up your 'alleged' alien, and ask one simple question.

"Did you feel any happiness upon hearing of Osama Bin Laden's death?"

If your subject answers 'no' and your lie-detector doesn't react, congratulations! You have an extraterrestrial being in your presence.

There was a quote going around the internet yesterday that said something along the lines of "love is awesome, don't be a hater on a dead guy." The quote was attributed to Martin Luther King. So naturally, people took it seriously.

Turns out the quote was a fraud. Also turns out it was full of shit either way.

Even if MLK did say it, that wouldn't invalidate the feelings you had when you heard the news of Osama's death. People say stupid shit all the time. King may not have done it as often, but he certainly wasn't immune.

Fact is, love doesn't conquer all. It would be nice if life were so simple, but it's not. Love is great. Hate sucks, sure. But the complex problems the universe throws our way are usually solved by hard work, creative thinking and and an obsessive focus on the task at hand.

And that's what happened with Bin Laden. Nearly 10 years after his horrific crimes, he was taken out in a mission that was bold, brave and executed to near-perfection.

So when the news came out, you felt happy. Happy for achieving some sense of finality. Happy for getting some level of retribution.

This man murdered nearly 3,000 people. To feel no measure of happiness at his death is to remove yourself from the human experience. Life is not an intellectual exercise. We have emotions for a reason. They help us deal with that which our 'mind' cannot. It's tough to wrap your head around the idea of killing anyone, let alone thousands. But it's pretty easy to feel anger when it happens.

And it's just as easy to fell happiness when justice is done. Unless you're an alien.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Why it matters

Because we've been told for too long that America can't do anything anymore. We can't build anything. We can't solve major environmental problems. We can't deliver healthcare to our citizens. We can't create meaningful alliances with other nations. We can't compete with China.

We can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't.

Ten years after it began, the hunt for Bin Laden was starting to feel like it would end up as yet another item in the long list of things America can't do.

But we got him.

I'm not sure if it's exactly what candidate Obama had in mind when he first uttered his now famous campaign slogan, but for many, this is the first time in his presidency that those words actually ring true.

Yes we can.

Heck of a job Georgie

Dear President George W. Bush,

On September 11, 2001, just 8 months into your first term, barely enough time to clean the carpets in the oval office, let alone put together a national security team, President Clinton allowed 19 Saudi men to commandeer 4 planes within our airspace, leading to the deaths of nearly 3,000 citizens.

Just 3 months later, a man brought a bomb onto a plane in his shoe. In response, you wisely decided to make sure we have to take our shoes off when we go through security at the airport, thereby eliminating the threat of all future terrorist acts against our great nation.

Just to be extra sure, you were also smart enough to invade a country with no ties to Al Qaeda. Always keep 'em guessing, right? But it was also pure genius, strategically. By removing Saddam Hussein from power and ultimately killing him, you ensured that he and Bin Laden would never randomly meet and possibly develop a plot to kill us all.

Then, on Christmas Day 2009, just 11 months after you left office, newly elected President Obama somehow found a way to fuck up your fail-safe anti-terrorism plan, allowing a man to sneak a bomb on board a plane in his underwear. Incredibly, this did not lead to a new requirement mandating all air travelers remove their underwear prior to boarding planes in the US. Apparently, Obama just does not 'get' how to deal with terrorism.

But, thankfully, you still do. Because last night, despite being 2 years, 3 months and 11 days removed from office, you were somehow able to mastermind an operation that killed the most evil terrorist ever to roam the earth, Osama Bin Laden.

Today, because of your ceaseless work in defense of this nation, we can all breathe a little easier.

Thank you.


The Fox News Organization

Sunday, May 1, 2011

A weight has been lifted

There will be a time to discuss the ramifications of Osama Bin Laden's death. But now is not that time. With word of his death, a flood of emotion overtook me in a way I really did not expect. I am sure millions of other Americans feel the same way.

So for now, all I will say is this:

I am fucking ecstatic that you are dead.

That is all.