"Luckily, I had a spare."
Those were the first words out of Congressman Pete DeGraaf's mouth, when asked about this life-shattering incident.
"I planned for this. I was ready. You never know when you might suffer a flat tire and get raped at the same time. You need to be prepared.
The Republican representative from Kansas seemed remarkably unfazed by the incident. So I pressed him for more details.
"Well, you know, I just kind of noticed that the front right side of my Durango was listing a bit. So I pulled over to the shoulder. While inspecting the tire, someone must have snuck up behind me and raped me. No big deal. It happens. But, like I said, luckily I had a spare tire.
It's all a remarkable coincidence, given DeGraaf's remarks just a few days earlier.
"This chick from Missouri, she's one of their representatives, started crying to me about rape and abortion and other boring girl stuff. I just told her you gotta have a plan for life's uncertainties. You gotta have a spare. Simple shit, you know?
And the next day, he was raped.
"Just proves my point, really. Sure, I may have nightmares about the incident for the rest of my life and the community may stigmatize me unfairly and I'm at risk for a whole host of diseases. But, I got myself home safely on 4 working tires and that's what really matters.
So what's next for DeGraaf?
"I'm not sure, but I do know that whatever it is, I'll be prepared. I've already got myself a new spare!"