Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Congressman takes old lady out back, shoots her

Juliette Duvall from Sugar Hill, Georgia was shot and killed Tuesday.

A stoic Rob Woodall, Republican representative from Georgia's 7th congressional district, wiped gun residue off his shirt as he explained what transpired.

"This woman had just poured her heart out to me. She spoke about how she couldn't afford to pay for her healthcare if our Medicare reforms became law."

Woodall had just conducted a town hall meeting, sharing his party's latest plan to turn Medicare into a privatized, voucher program. The 73 year-old grandmother and former executive secretary from Sugar Hill, had just finished telling her story when Woodall reprimanded her, shouting, "when do I decide I'm going to take care of me?"

Her slack jaw and dumbfounded stare made it clear to Woodall what he needed to do.

"My daddy taught me, if an animal can't take care of himself no more, the honorable thing to do is put him down. This lady was no different. She was helpless. I had no choice.

Georgia's liberal gun laws also played a part.

"Well, that was just dumb luck, really. Like an idiot, I had left my .38 on the passenger seat of my truck. Usually, I keep a .22 strapped to my ankle as well, but I just spaced today, man. Fortunately, the guy next to me at the town hall had an extra shotgun with him. He was kind enough to lend it to me.

On the way back to his taxpayer funded office in Lawrenceville, Woodall really opened up.

"We just have to stop telling people that Uncle Sam is gonna take care of everything. He may pay for my healthcare, but that's because I work for him. Why should he foot the bill if you're off earning money for someone else's uncle?

We made a quick stop at the dry cleaners where Woodall picked up a fresh shirt and dropped off his blood-soaked Brooks Brothers button down.

"I really feel good about what happened today. Heck, if I ever turn into some helpless old coot when I get older, I would expect the same treatment. I'd welcome it.

He smiled as he slipped his cuff links on to the new shirt.

"Of course, my benefits last until the day I die, so I doubt it will ever have to come to that."

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