Wednesday, May 11, 2011

11-year-old rhesus monkey to join the GOP presidential field

Overshadowed by Newt Gingrich's announcement earlier today, was the high-pitched squeal of an undersized, but politically-savvy monkey named Boo Boo.

I caught up with him earlier today at a local Jamba Juice.

"After careful consideration, my wife Pee Pee and I have decided that this is the perfect opportunity for us to mount a presidential run."

Boo Boo is expected to formally announce his candidacy on Friday during a press conference from the 3rd tree on the left in the San Diego Zoo monkey habitat.

"I resisted the call for quite some time. I was certain that at some point we would see a legitimate, intelligent human enter the fray. So I sat back and watched as Sarah, Michele, Mit and 'The Huck" made their way into the race. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. This was the best my party had to offer? Are all small-government loving homo sapiens also small-brained?"

When asked what finally pushed him over the edge, Boo Boo replied, "mostly whiskey. I mean, I get crazy when I drink that shit. So I was sitting around the TV, high as a kite on Old Number 7 when I heard that Gingrich was going to declare. That did it. If a puffy-faced, philandering, 90s retread like Newt thinks he has a shot, why the fuck not me!?!"

The political press is already abuzz with anticipation. What will Boo Boo's stance on abortion be? Will he deny global warming? Is he prepared to ignore the constitution and institute a radical Christian set of laws, as per the official GOP guidebook?

For now, he is being coy.

"I will be meeting with my advisors shortly to determine how I can best integrate my thoughtful positions on the issues with the current GOP platform that appears to have been written by a drunk pile of fecal matter."

As for potential running mates?

"I'm not prepared to make that decision just yet, but there's this orangutan at the Tampa Zoo that I've been following on Twitter, she is as smart as a whip."

Boo Boo takes a sip from his Guava/Mango smoothie and wipes his mouth.

"Now that i think about it, she may be a bit overqualified."

No comments:

Post a Comment