Friday, September 30, 2011

Lots of flavors, no taste

Will Chris Christie run or won't he? Millions of Republicans are on the edge of their seats in anticipation.

Not because they want him to be president, mind you. No, they don't really think anyone is qualified to be president, except Jesus. Maybe.

No, they want Christie because they need someone new to fawn over before deciding he doesn't meet their incredibly high (after all, these are the same people who nominated George W. Bush, twice) standards.

Mitt was fun for a while, what with his Frankensteinian good looks and his ability to say anything put in front of him without a hint of internal conflict.

But that got old pretty quickly.

Fortunately, Donald Trump was waiting in the wings to keep everyone entertained for a while. The billionaire himbo was quick to jump on the birther bandwagon. This endeared him to the more extreme elements of the party, otherwise known as everyone except Andrew Sullivan and David Frum.

But alas, Donny boy was not long for the game, unwilling to sacrfice his "Apprentice" fortune for the good of the nation.

Luckily, a glassy-eyed congresswoman from Minnesota was ready to pounce on the opportunity. Michele Bachmann appeared to have it all. The almost-as-hot-as-Palin looks, the religious fervor and a profound misunderstanding of our nation's history that allowed her to latch on to every insane tea party position without question.

This seemingly flawless formula carried Ms. Bachmann to victory at the Iowa straw poll back in August. It should have been her crowning moment. But alas, a dim-witted fella in tight chinos from down in Texas was about to ruin everything.

Rick Perry strutted onto the scene like a constipated Clint Eastwood, promising to release our nation from the tyranny of organized government. No time for half-assed 'reform'. What this country needs is someone who'll come into Washington, guns a blazin', and set the whole damn town on fire.

If he only had a brain. Unfortunately, the only thing larger than his Texas-sized ego turned out to be the gaping hole inside his head.

Now what? With seemingly viable candidates dropping faster than Sarah Palin at an NBA game, where was the party to turn?

Herman Cain? Please. While his extreme anti-Muslim rhetoric must be quite comforting to the party faithful, it will never be enough to help him overcome his most glaring weakness in their eyes—the color of his skin.

Ron Paul? He almost had a chance when he suggested that hypothetical 30-year-old dude without health insurance should just suck it up and die, but what else has he got? You can only impress people with the whole 'let him die' thing so many times. Once they get a whiff of your extreme anti-war beliefs, you're toast, pussy.

With the rest of the field polling at around 2% or lower, it's clear that the Repubs are not overly excited at the prospect of a President Huntsman, Santorum, Johnson or Gingrich.

So enter the big guy from Jersey. King Christie.

He's a straight-talking, union-busting superstar. Business leaders love him. Party leaders respect him. He's the perfect candidate, right?

For now. If chooses to get in the race, it won't take long before his anti-gun, pro-gay beliefs come to the forefront. You really think folks down in South Carolina are gonna vote for the blustery guy from Jersey who likes queers and hates shooting stuff? Don't think so.

Which brings us back, full circle, to our boy Mitt. He's a bore. He's a suck-up. He's an empty suit without a single core belief to be criticized, critiqued or called out.

He's perfect.

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