Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Cure for cancer falls victim to GOP hardliners

America almost rejoiced today when it almost learned that a cure for cancer was moments away from discovery.

Scientists have been laboring for years to put an end to this horrific disease. And they've never been so close.

But their plan has one fatal flaw.

They need money. And it would take a small tax increase on those earning over $1 million to raise the necessary funds.

Republicans aren't having it.

"Why should the job creators be forced to pay for the work of some geeky scientists?" exclaimed a red-faced Mitt Romney.

"The American people don't want more government involvement in their lives. The private sector is where diseases get cured." added Michele Bachmann, while she and her husband sucked down a couple of corn dogs.

Fresh off his presidential campaign announcement, Texas Governor Rick Perry was quick to chime in.

"Listen, I don't care if someone says they can bring world peace. If it means one more penny out of the American people's pockets going to Uncle Sam, I won't stand for it. That pansy-ass peace shit don't fly in Texas anyhow."

Rick Santorum (yes he's still in the race) summed it up succinctly.

"These so-called cancer curers are probably spending their weekends having gay sex and abortions out the wazoo. So really, do we want taxpayer funds supporting these freaks?"

When told that more people having gay sex would actually ensure that there was less need for abortions, Santorum's head spontaneously blew up.

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