Friday, August 26, 2011

God says 'how you like me now' to the northeast

God, aka, 'The Man Upstairs' has decided to unleash some of his patented fury up on the northeastern United States this week. So we asked him, what gives?

"To be honest, I'm just tired of them, that's all. They make all kinds of money. They have great sports teams. An awesome music scene. It's all a bit much, you know?"

But a recent study on marriage clearly sent the big guy over the edge.

"I can deal with those pricks making mad bank. I can tolerate their advanced educations and successful careers. But now you're telling me that these douchebags are also enjoying some of the happiest and longest lasting marriages? Fuck! It's just too much, you know? I gotta put my foot down, so to speak."

The Universal Life Force took a sip of wine before elaborating further.

"Listen, for years I've been throwing all kinds of crap at the folks down south. Hurricanes, tornadoes, you name it. Sure, I've felt bad about it. I mean, those fuckers already have it pretty rough. Bad schools, poverty, country music. It's hell down there. But they're my people, you know? They love all that fire and brimstone shit. Who am I to deny them?"

Yahweh paused for a moment as an angel came by to top off his chalice.

"These northeastern types, they don't really know my game. Shit, half of 'em don't even believe I exist. So, typically, I just leave 'em alone. Live and let live, you know? But this whole marriage thing just sticks in my craw. My people are supposed to be the moral ones. How are they gonna rave about those 'heathens' up north if everyone is being all goody goody and shit? So I gotta step in. I owe my peeps that much."

When asked if the latest batch of fury had anything to do with the liberal attitudes towards gays in the northeast, as some of his 'peeps' have suggested, the Lord was quick to retort.

"Seriously? This fucking nonsense again? How many times do I have tell you people, I don't give a shit who all y'all are fucking? If anything, I wish you'd fuck each other more often. Maybe you wouldn't be so damned uptight. And to be honest, I wouldn't mind if a few more folks started going gay. All these damned heteros breeding like crazy is kind of fucking up this perfectly good planet I created."

After carefully spreading some brie on a piece of melba toast, the King of Kings sat back in his throne and offered a final bit of advice for those in the path of Irene.

"First off, I think it is so damn cute that you give names to these massive engines of death and destruction. You people just crack me up. But seriously, even though I'm trying to send a little 'don't fuck with me' message with this storm, I don't want people to be stupid about it. Stay away from the beaches. Move to higher ground if you can. Buy batteries."

After pausing for a moment to survey his kingdom, The Almighty took a final sip of Chardonnay and smiled.

"And make sure you have plenty of wine."

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