11-year-old rhesus monkey to join the GOP presidential field

Overshadowed by Newt Gingrich's announcement earlier today, was the high-pitched squeal of an undersized, but politically-savvy monkey named Boo Boo.

I caught up with him earlier today at a local Jamba Juice.


"After careful consideration, my wife Pee Pee and I have decided that this is the perfect opportunity for us to mount a presidential run."

Boo Boo is expected to formally announce his candidacy on Friday during a press conference from the 3rd tree on the left in the San Diego Zoo monkey habitat.

"I resisted the call for quite some time. I was certain that at some point we would see a legitimate, intelligent human enter the fray. So I sat back and watched as Sarah, Michele, Mit and 'The Huck" made their way into the race. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. This was the best my party had to offer? Are all small-government loving homo sapiens also small-brained?"

When asked what finally pushed him over the edge, Boo Boo replied, "mostly whiskey. I mean, I get crazy when I drink that shit. So I was sitting around the TV, high as a kite on Old Number 7 when I heard that Gingrich was going to declare. That did it. If a puffy-faced, philandering, 90s retread like Newt thinks he has a shot, why the fuck not me!?!"

The political press is already abuzz with anticipation. What will Boo Boo's stance on abortion be? Will he deny global warming? Is he prepared to ignore the constitution and institute a radical Christian set of laws, as per the official GOP guidebook?

For now, he is being coy.

"I will be meeting with my advisors shortly to determine how I can best integrate my thoughtful positions on the issues with the current GOP platform that appears to have been written by a drunk pile of fecal matter."

As for potential running mates?

"I'm not prepared to make that decision just yet, but there's this orangutan at the Tampa Zoo that I've been following on Twitter, she is as smart as a whip."

Boo Boo takes a sip from his Guava/Mango smoothie and wipes his mouth.

"Now that i think about it, she may be a bit overqualified."

Just because you say it with sneer, doesn't mean it's bad

Wealth redistribution. Fuck. Tax and spend. Dickhead. Liberal. Pussy. Socialism. Douchebag. The government. Cunt. Welfare. Cocksucker. Regulation. Assnugget.

Some of these words are 'bad' words. Some aren't. Can you tell the difference?

Allow me to help.

"Wealth redistribution" is what happens when any government takes in money in the form of taxes or fees. It's called 'redistribution' because those governments typically don't take that money and turn around and give it right back to you. Generally speaking, they 'redistribute' that money to other people and projects that are deemed worthy through the legislative process.

"Fuck" is a slang term for sexual intercourse and is generally considered impolite in mixed company. The word, that is. Fucking in mixed company is perfectly okay, if you're into that sort of thing.

"Tax and Spend" is another thing that every single government does. They 'tax' people and business to obtain money that they can 'spend' on the military, infrastructure, healthcare, etc. It is not possible for a society to survive without taxing and spending. And last I checked, survival was considered a good thing. Just ask Ted Nugent.

"Dickhead" is a slang term for a guy (or girl) who is acting in an in appropriate manner. Let me use it a sentence. "Donald Trump is a dickhead."

"Liberal" is a word used to describe those who favor reform, are open to new ideas for progress, and are tolerant of the ideas and behavior of others. Assholes.

"Pussy" is a slang term for vagina. The vagina is a part of the female reproductive system. You know, the thing that most 'freedom-loving' conservatives want the government to take control of.

"Socialism" is an economic system based on state ownership of capital. It can be argued that this is not the optimal way maximize economic output. It cannot be argued that Socialism will lead to Obama eating your children and killing your grandparents, despite what Fox News may say.

"Douchebag" is a slang word for someone who acts in a reprehensible manner. It's like 'dickhead', but slimier. Allow me to use it in a sentence. "Donald Trump is a douchebag as well as a dickhead."

"The government" is a term used to describe any number of entities, set up by nations to enforce laws, encourage economic production and provide for the general welfare of its people. Our government, in particular, is made up of elected representatives, so it is a direct reflection of our values and ambitions. To hate it is to hate oneself.

"Cunt" is the ultimate 'bad' word. So bad that I probably just offended half of the population by even mentioning it.

Welfare is a word that means health, happiness, and good fortune. It's used in the first sentence of the constitution, so I would assume most right-wingers would find it unobjectionable.

Cocksucker is a slang term for someone who acts in a horrible manner. It's similar to douchebag, but with more implied malice. Allow me to use it in a sentence. "Donald Trump is a cocksucker; in addition to being a douchebag and a dickhead."

"Regulation" is term used to describe a set of laws and policies that help 'regulate' the marketplace to ensure that it operates in a beneficial manner for all citizens. Beneficial, as in good. Which was the opposite of bad, last I checked.

I'm not exactly sure what "assnugget" means, but it's fucking funny. And I'm pretty sure Donald Trump is one.

This concludes today's vocabulary lesson. For our next lesson, we will turn our attention to 'good' words like sunshine, rainbows, unicorns and automatic weapons.

Solving the budget dilemma with a knife

Instead of figuring out which programs to cut, let's focus on something much simpler. If we cut out these 9 states, we could pretty much solve all of our budget woes.

These are the 9 states that receive the most money back from the federal government. In other words, they are leeches, sucking the rest of us dry. Other than New Mexico, they all happen to be "Red" states.

North Dakota
New Mexico
Mississippi
Alaska
West Virginia
Montana
Alabama
South Dakota
Arkansas

Pull your weight or get the fuck out. We don't like freeloaders in this country.

Isn't that the conservative mantra? Guess I'm turning into a Righty in my old age.

The man is dead but his legacy lives on

So he's dead. Which is great, as far as I'm concerned.

But now what?

While the bickering over who gets credit and who acted improperly will go on for quite some time, we have a more critical issue staring us in the face.

How the fuck do we fix our country?

You remember America, right? Used to be a great place. Freedom was cherished. Citizen's rights were respected, for the most part. And government policy, as a general rule, did not set out to completely screw people over.

Then came 9/11.

That crazy fuck Bin Laden masterminded the single most deadly terrorist attack in our world's history. Nearly 3,000 perished that day. But something else died along with those innocent victims.

The American way of life.

It has been a subtle shift, for the most part. We've seen the Patriot Act slowly and systematically erode civil liberties. We've seen our economy become more and more focused on short term gains over long term health. We've beefed up our military and homeland security to unprecedented levels, without paying for any of it. And we've seen our political process slowly regress into a clusterfuck of stupidity where one political party has decided that destroying our president is their most important goal. And the other party has decided to castrate themselves and stand for nothing.

This is Osama's handiwork. And it will take a lot more than a couple of bullets to undue all of it.

We need to get our troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan (and a lot of other places, too). We need to create a sensible homeland security policy that focuses on anticipating new threats instead of over-reacting to old ones. We need to rebuild our nation's infrastructure and prepare our economy for the inevitable impact of global warming. And we need to force corporate money out of the political process so we can start electing people who aren't complete money-grabbing whores with no regard for our country's future.

We can do this. We just have to give a shit.

Can't muster up any enthusiasm? Okay. Then we may as well dive down to the bottom of the ocean and pull up OBL's body, so we can strap it to the back of a boat, Bernie-style. Because until we start fixing all of these problems, Bin Laden is as good as alive anyway.

Oh, the inhumanity

Ever wonder if you have an alien living in the neighborhood?

Well, now there is a fool-proof test to see if your suspicions are correct.

It's easy, really. Just take a lie detector machine, hook up your 'alleged' alien, and ask one simple question.

"Did you feel any happiness upon hearing of Osama Bin Laden's death?"

If your subject answers 'no' and your lie-detector doesn't react, congratulations! You have an extraterrestrial being in your presence.

There was a quote going around the internet yesterday that said something along the lines of "love is awesome, don't be a hater on a dead guy." The quote was attributed to Martin Luther King. So naturally, people took it seriously.

Turns out the quote was a fraud. Also turns out it was full of shit either way.

Even if MLK did say it, that wouldn't invalidate the feelings you had when you heard the news of Osama's death. People say stupid shit all the time. King may not have done it as often, but he certainly wasn't immune.

Fact is, love doesn't conquer all. It would be nice if life were so simple, but it's not. Love is great. Hate sucks, sure. But the complex problems the universe throws our way are usually solved by hard work, creative thinking and and an obsessive focus on the task at hand.

And that's what happened with Bin Laden. Nearly 10 years after his horrific crimes, he was taken out in a mission that was bold, brave and executed to near-perfection.

So when the news came out, you felt happy. Happy for achieving some sense of finality. Happy for getting some level of retribution.

This man murdered nearly 3,000 people. To feel no measure of happiness at his death is to remove yourself from the human experience. Life is not an intellectual exercise. We have emotions for a reason. They help us deal with that which our 'mind' cannot. It's tough to wrap your head around the idea of killing anyone, let alone thousands. But it's pretty easy to feel anger when it happens.

And it's just as easy to fell happiness when justice is done. Unless you're an alien.

Why it matters

Because we've been told for too long that America can't do anything anymore. We can't build anything. We can't solve major environmental problems. We can't deliver healthcare to our citizens. We can't create meaningful alliances with other nations. We can't compete with China.

We can't, we can't, we can't, we can't, we can't.

Ten years after it began, the hunt for Bin Laden was starting to feel like it would end up as yet another item in the long list of things America can't do.

But we got him.

I'm not sure if it's exactly what candidate Obama had in mind when he first uttered his now famous campaign slogan, but for many, this is the first time in his presidency that those words actually ring true.

Yes we can.

Heck of a job Georgie

Dear President George W. Bush,

On September 11, 2001, just 8 months into your first term, barely enough time to clean the carpets in the oval office, let alone put together a national security team, President Clinton allowed 19 Saudi men to commandeer 4 planes within our airspace, leading to the deaths of nearly 3,000 citizens.

Just 3 months later, a man brought a bomb onto a plane in his shoe. In response, you wisely decided to make sure we have to take our shoes off when we go through security at the airport, thereby eliminating the threat of all future terrorist acts against our great nation.

Just to be extra sure, you were also smart enough to invade a country with no ties to Al Qaeda. Always keep 'em guessing, right? But it was also pure genius, strategically. By removing Saddam Hussein from power and ultimately killing him, you ensured that he and Bin Laden would never randomly meet and possibly develop a plot to kill us all.

Then, on Christmas Day 2009, just 11 months after you left office, newly elected President Obama somehow found a way to fuck up your fail-safe anti-terrorism plan, allowing a man to sneak a bomb on board a plane in his underwear. Incredibly, this did not lead to a new requirement mandating all air travelers remove their underwear prior to boarding planes in the US. Apparently, Obama just does not 'get' how to deal with terrorism.

But, thankfully, you still do. Because last night, despite being 2 years, 3 months and 11 days removed from office, you were somehow able to mastermind an operation that killed the most evil terrorist ever to roam the earth, Osama Bin Laden.

Today, because of your ceaseless work in defense of this nation, we can all breathe a little easier.

Thank you.


Sincerely,

The Fox News Organization