The following is a transcript of an interview I did over the holiday break with my imaginary tea-party member friend, Ned.
Tjack: Hey Ned, thanks for agreeing to speak with me.
Ned: Let's just get this over with. This place ain't bugged is it?
Tjack: You're the one who insisted on meeting in a porta-potty.
Ned: Yeah, you can't be too safe these days. Obama's got eyes everywhere.
Tjack: Um, okay. so i wanted to ask you about your distaste for the federal government.
Ned: Distaste? Stop using fancy words. I fucking hate the feds, got it?
Tjack: Sure thing. So why do you fucking hate the feds so much?
Ned: 'Cause they're messin' with my life that's why. Stimulus, healthcare, bailouts. It's too dang much.
Tjack: But didn't you work on that highway project last year?
Ned: Yeah, so?
Tjack: Well, that was paid for with stimulus funds.
Ned: The fuck it was, commie.
Tjack: It's right there on the government website.
Ned: Damn feds got a website? Fags. Listen, all those fuckers in Washington should be worried about is protecting our country.
Tjack: What about social security and medicare?
Ned: They should keep their filthy paws off both of those, you ask me.
Tjack: Interesting. I also hear your wife got dropped from her health insurance last year because she got cancer. Aren't you glad the new health plan will allow her to get coverage?
Ned: That's not what i heard. I read they're going to put her on a space shuttle with other cancer victims, force them all to get abortions and then blow the damn thing up.
Tjack: I'm pretty sure that's not accurate. Besides, you're wife isn't even pregnant.
Ned: Not yet, she ain't, heh heh.
Tjack: Good point. Well, i think I've learned quite a bit about your views on the federal government. Any final thoughts?
Ned: I only got one thought. And that's to make sure we restore the government to the people.
Tjack: What about those people who don't agree with you?
Ned: You mean like the gays and the immigrants? Fuck 'em.
Tjack: So i have it on the record that you would like to fuck gay immigrants?
Ned: What? This god-danged interview is over. Get outta my porta-potty!
Tjack: i thought you'd never ask.