Tuesday, January 4, 2011

A love/hate relationship with Uncle Sam

The following is a transcript of an interview I did over the holiday break with my imaginary tea-party member friend, Ned.

Tjack:  Hey Ned, thanks for agreeing to speak with me.

Ned:  Let's just get this over with. This place ain't bugged is it?

Tjack:  You're the one who insisted on meeting in a porta-potty.

Ned:  Yeah, you can't be too safe these days. Obama's got eyes everywhere.

Tjack:  Um, okay. so i wanted to ask you about your distaste for the federal government.

Ned:  Distaste? Stop using fancy words. I fucking hate the feds, got it?

Tjack:  Sure thing. So why do you fucking hate the feds so much?

Ned: 'Cause they're messin' with my life that's why. Stimulus, healthcare, bailouts. It's too dang much.

Tjack:  But didn't you work on that highway project last year?

Ned: Yeah, so?

Tjack:  Well, that was paid for with stimulus funds.

Ned:  The fuck it was, commie.

Tjack:  It's right there on the government website.

Ned:  Damn feds got a website? Fags. Listen, all those fuckers in Washington should be worried about is protecting our country.

Tjack:  What about social security and medicare?

Ned:  They should keep their filthy paws off both of those, you ask me.

Tjack:  Interesting. I also hear your wife got dropped from her health insurance last year because she got cancer. Aren't you glad the new health plan will allow her to get coverage?

Ned:  That's not what i heard. I read they're going to put her on a space shuttle with other cancer victims, force them all to get abortions and then blow the damn thing up.

Tjack:  I'm pretty sure that's not accurate. Besides, you're wife isn't even pregnant.

Ned:  Not yet, she ain't, heh heh.

Tjack:  Good point. Well, i think I've learned quite a bit about your views on the federal government. Any final thoughts?

Ned:  I only got one thought. And that's to make sure we restore the government to the people.

Tjack:  What about those people who don't agree with you?

Ned:  You mean like the gays and the immigrants? Fuck 'em.

Tjack:  So i have it on the record that you would like to fuck gay immigrants?

Ned:  What? This god-danged interview is over. Get outta my porta-potty!

Tjack:  i thought you'd never ask.

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