Monday, February 14, 2011

Everything's free!

In a surprising move today, President Obama has made official the Bush policy of not paying for anything.

His new 2012 budget proposes about $3.7 trillion in government spending, supported by about $2.6 million in revenues. That's $1.1 million in free stuff!

When asked, an unnamed Obama official said "I don't know why we didn't think of this earlier, it's a no-brainer, really. Everybody loves free shit!"

No-brainer indeed. How much brains does it take to say 'screw you' to arcane accounting notions like paying for what you need?

Another staffer was equally excited. "I noticed Bush adding new programs and starting new wars all throughout his presidency while lowering taxes at the same time, but I never put two and two together. Turns out you don't have to!"

It's a good thing our schools do such a shitty job at teaching math or else people might raise a few eyebrows at this new approach. But when I tried to elicit some outrage from my fellow citizens, the most animated response was a dismissive "Who needs math? Video games calculate your points for you!"

To make sure Obama doesn't get all the credit for ushering in this new era of magical bookkeeping, Republicans are all over the interwebs promising to cut taxes even further while offering to cut mostly non-essential programs like student loans and home-heating assistance for the poor.

When pressed to explain why social security, Medicare and defense were pretty much ignored by both parties, a prominent political consultant retorted "what part of 'we don't have to pay for shit' don't you understand?"

Slow on the uptake, I pressed further, suggesting that a simple rollback of all the Bush era tax cuts would pretty much give us the revenue needed to cover all this stuff. Met with a blank stare and a whiff of disappointment, I finally moved on.

So, let's celebrate, people! Happy days are here again. Throw a big party. Put it on the credit card. America's buying!

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