Congressman gets a flat tire, also raped.

"Luckily, I had a spare."

Those were the first words out of Congressman Pete DeGraaf's mouth, when asked about this life-shattering incident.

"I planned for this. I was ready. You never know when you might suffer a flat tire and get raped at the same time. You need to be prepared.

The Republican representative from Kansas seemed remarkably unfazed by the incident. So I pressed him for more details.

"Well, you know, I just kind of noticed that the front right side of my Durango was listing a bit. So I pulled over to the shoulder. While inspecting the tire, someone must have snuck up behind me and raped me. No big deal. It happens. But, like I said, luckily I had a spare tire.

It's all a remarkable coincidence, given DeGraaf's remarks just a few days earlier.

"This chick from Missouri, she's one of their representatives, started crying to me about rape and abortion and other boring girl stuff. I just told her you gotta have a plan for life's uncertainties. You gotta have a spare. Simple shit, you know?

And the next day, he was raped.

"Just proves my point, really. Sure, I may have nightmares about the incident for the rest of my life and the community may stigmatize me unfairly and I'm at risk for a whole host of diseases. But, I got myself home safely on 4 working tires and that's what really matters.

So what's next for DeGraaf?

"I'm not sure, but I do know that whatever it is, I'll be prepared. I've already got myself a new spare!"

Congressman takes old lady out back, shoots her

Juliette Duvall from Sugar Hill, Georgia was shot and killed Tuesday.

A stoic Rob Woodall, Republican representative from Georgia's 7th congressional district, wiped gun residue off his shirt as he explained what transpired.

"This woman had just poured her heart out to me. She spoke about how she couldn't afford to pay for her healthcare if our Medicare reforms became law."

Woodall had just conducted a town hall meeting, sharing his party's latest plan to turn Medicare into a privatized, voucher program. The 73 year-old grandmother and former executive secretary from Sugar Hill, had just finished telling her story when Woodall reprimanded her, shouting, "when do I decide I'm going to take care of me?"

Her slack jaw and dumbfounded stare made it clear to Woodall what he needed to do.

"My daddy taught me, if an animal can't take care of himself no more, the honorable thing to do is put him down. This lady was no different. She was helpless. I had no choice.

Georgia's liberal gun laws also played a part.

"Well, that was just dumb luck, really. Like an idiot, I had left my .38 on the passenger seat of my truck. Usually, I keep a .22 strapped to my ankle as well, but I just spaced today, man. Fortunately, the guy next to me at the town hall had an extra shotgun with him. He was kind enough to lend it to me.

On the way back to his taxpayer funded office in Lawrenceville, Woodall really opened up.

"We just have to stop telling people that Uncle Sam is gonna take care of everything. He may pay for my healthcare, but that's because I work for him. Why should he foot the bill if you're off earning money for someone else's uncle?

We made a quick stop at the dry cleaners where Woodall picked up a fresh shirt and dropped off his blood-soaked Brooks Brothers button down.

"I really feel good about what happened today. Heck, if I ever turn into some helpless old coot when I get older, I would expect the same treatment. I'd welcome it.

He smiled as he slipped his cuff links on to the new shirt.

"Of course, my benefits last until the day I die, so I doubt it will ever have to come to that."

Jesus cancels rapture, cites disappointment as main reason

The end of the world will have to wait.

In a memo to his major news outlets, Jesus Christ outlined his reasons for postponing this weekend's highly anticipated rapture extravaganza.

"It has come to my attention that nearly all of my flock is completely full of shit. Not only have they deviated severely from my teachings, but they have managed to sully my name by attaching it to some of the most harmful, hurtful ideas I have ever witnessed.

The son of God doesn't pull any punches, keeping this tone throughout the entire 4-page (double sided, because Jesus likes trees) memo.

"I am not sure how many times I said this back in the year 30 or so, but apparently it bears repeating. Love your fucking neighbor as you would yourself. Shit, how hard is that to remember? I took the 10 commandments, which apparently were soooooo hard for everyone to follow, and distilled them into one tidy little directive. And yet all of y'all just can't seem to get on board. Pathetic.

He saved his harshest words for his most ardent supporters.

"These so-called evangelical Christians? Wow, did you people miss the point or what? I said so much good shit when I was down here the last time. Help the poor, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, tend to the sick, yada, yada, yada. Apparently all that stuff went right through your empty little heads. And what about the whole turn the other cheek thing? Not ringing a bell? How about the stuff about rich dudes having a tougher time making it to heaven? No? Seriously?

He really lets the evangelicals have it in his next paragraph.

"And what is this obsession with gay people? I never said shit about gays, not one fucking word. I guess I didn't think I had to. Figured y'all would understand that they were included in the whole love thy neighbor schpeel. But nooooooo, apparently you need me to spell it out for ya. Okay, here goes. I do not give a flying crap who any of you have sex with. Really. Doesn't matter to me in the least. All I ask is that you try to be respectful of one another and yourself in the process. Oh, and wear a rubber. Got it?

Those expecting a definitive statement on the rapture's rescheduling will have to wait a while, according to Christ.

"I'm done putting shit on the calendar. What's the point? I gave everyone nearly 2,000 years to prepare for this shit and look where that got me. I'm not making that mistake again. For now, the destruction of earth and the assumption of souls into heaven is on indefinite hold. Check back with me in another 2,000 years and maybe I'll reconsider. But for now, I'm just not feeling very accommodating. Sorry."

As is his way, the lamb of God ended his memo with a joke.

"What has two thumbs and is heading back to heaven, alone? This guy! Peace out motherfuckers! Love, JHC"

The Sperminator 'shocks' the world

John F. Kennedy
Gary Hart
Bill Clinton
Hugh Grant
Tiger Woods
Eliot Spitzer
John Edwards
Jesse James
Mark Sanford
Thomas Jefferson
Jude Law
David Letterman
Newt Gingrich

And now, Arnie.


Are you really shocked by this latest bit of 'news'? Just how many times does this same thing need to happen before you cease to be amazed? High-powered married men have been sticking their dicks where they don't belong for centuries. Hell, I'm sure the first single-celled organisms were sticking their flagella where they didn't belong too. The powerful ones at least.

Should you be disappointed? I suppose. Angry? Maybe. But shocked? C'mon.

Personally, I don't give a fuck who anyone else fucks. Famous or not.

Republican on Republican crime

Rick Santorum wonders what the fuck John McCain knows about torture.

And the rest of the GOP is aghast that Newt Gingrich has gone off-script and developed a soft spot for sick old people.

And I can't help but laugh my ass off.

Seriously, Ricky? McCain? Torture? You're really gonna go there? Ah yes, what in the world could being stuck in a filthy hole for five years, suffering through unspeakable acts and refusing to be rescued unless all of your compatriots go with you, teach you about torture?

Meanwhile, back in the homeland, the posterboy for "enhanced interrogation techniques" Dick Cheney was piling up draft deferments and rehabbing his image after an earlier DWI conviction.

I don't agree with almost anything John McCain stands for, but for a dunce like you to claim to have a greater understanding of anything, let alone torture, is just too fucking funny for words.

And then there's our boy Newt. Poor guy. He has one little brain fart where he criticizes a plan to let a bunch of old people go without health insurance and the entire Republican party cries "traitor".

The man has called Obama a Kenyan Colonialist, food-stamp lovin', socialist, out-of-touch, constitution hatin' threat to our basic way of life. One little slip-up and suddenly all of that good stuff just never happened?

C'mon GOP, you're letting me down here. You guys are the ones who are supposed to be united. You stick to the script. You toe the line.

Now you're acting like a bunch of Democrats and tearing each other down?

If it weren't so damn funny, it'd all be kind of sad.

A new declaration of independence

I, TJack, do hereby declare independence from the United States of America.

For too long, I have been bound by laws and impeded by concern for fellow citizens. But no more.

As of today, I am becoming a 'sovereign citizen.'

No more paying taxes to care for immigrants, indigents and the incontinent.

No more supporting an interstate highway system when I only use local roads.

No more paying for abortions when I don't even have a damn uterus.

No more giving money to scientists who don't even know that God created the fucking universe.

No more supporting art for for a bunch of homos.

No more supporting public TV for a bunch of commies.

No more paying for research into "global warming." It was cold as shit this winter. Research complete, motherfucker.

No more being told what I can I cannot dump on my property. It's my damn yard. If I want to pour a little toxic sludge out back, that's my god-danged prerogative.

And last, but not least, no more being told how many guns I can have and where I can bring 'em. I've got a fucking arsenal in my basement. And some of those other parents at my son's little league games can get a little lippy. Nothing says 'step off bitch' like a couple of prominently displayed AK-47s.

Ronald Reagan once said that government wasn't the solution, it was the problem. But then he went all pussy on us and kept the government going.

Today's republicans talk a good game, but it could take years before they tear everything apart. I don't have time for that. I'm out now.

God bless the United State of Tjack.

Douche of the day - Rand Paul

It's never a good idea to compare anything to slavery. Ever. But that didn't stop GOP congressman Rand Paul yesterday.

So what, pray tell, did he think worthy of the comparison? It must be really, really bad, right? He wouldn't just trot out the old "it's like slavery" speech for something as mundane as the right to adequate healthcare, would he?

Oh yes he would. And yes he did.

There are two fundamental reasons why this comparison is fucking insane.

One, it is absurdly offensive. To compare the plight of a well-compensated doctor to that of a slave who is forced to toil every day for no money, under constant threat of being whipped and without even the most basic of freedoms shows a staggering amount of ignorance.

Secondly, it is just flat out wrong. If healthcare were indeed declared a right, no one would be 'forced' to care for anyone. You could still choose to crank out LASIK surgeries for Kentucky's wealthiest myopics (Paul is an Ophthalmologist) if you so wish. But, if you did decide to work in a federally funded community health center, yes, you would have to care for any patient who walked in the door. As a doctor, I would think this would feel more like "doing your job" versus "being a slave", but hey, I just work in advertising so what the fuck do I know?

No one forced you to become a doctor, dickhead. Nobody grabbed you in the middle of the night, chained you to a disease infested ship and sent you off to some strange land. You don't fear for your life when you travel beyond the boundaries of your workplace. You don't worry that a mob of bigots will come by your home one night and hang your entire family. You don't fear that your wife will be raped by your 'boss' any time he fucking wants. And you don't have to stand around acting like none of that shit bothers you day in and day out, year after soul-sucking year, because god forbid you do show one ounce of disgust, you might just be taken out back to receive the beating of your life.

No, cocksucker, you are not a fucking slave. You're a pathetic, hateful idiot with no concept of our nation's horrific racial history. And for that, you have earned the 'right' to be called "Douche of the Day."

Although, honestly, one day just doesn't quite feel long enough for your special brand of douchebaggery.