Why are homosexuals so intent on ruining my marriage?
You all are so worked up, trying to get the right to marry your partners, without giving a single thought to how you are destroying the relationship between me and my wife.
How can we possibly be happy, knowing that two men might be enjoying the tax benefits of holy matrimony?
How can we enjoy our 5th anniversary celebration this year knowing that, at the same moment, a woman might be able to visit her wife in the hospital?
And how could we ever look forward to growing old together, when Steve in accounting can get company paid health benefits for both himself and his husband, tax free!
It's just not right.
But thankfully, the republicans in congress recognize this and are fighting to defend my rights. Their support for the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) is truly heroic.
In a time where they could easily be distracted by things like a horrific economy, escalating tensions abroad and a rapidly deteriorating environment, Speaker Boehner and his minions remain steadfast in their fight for what really matters.
These guys understand love. They get how two men or two women loving each other automatically cancels out the love between a man and a woman. It is the transitive property of amorosity. You can't fuck with that shit.
Perhaps gay people could learn a lesson from these selfless warriors and do something equally monumental to save our nation. Like fixing the economy or the environment, for instance.
Leave the love to our republican friends in congress. Most of them have been married a bunch of times. So they're kind of the experts.