Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Surely you can't be serious

There is a decent chance that one of the republican presidential hopefuls may be our next president. That is a simple (terrifying) fact.

But that fact in no way validates any of these people as serious candidates.

To be a serious candidate, you have to believe in serious things. And on virtually ever measure, this group of halfwits fails that test.

You cannot be a serious candidate if you don't believe in evolution.

You cannot be a serious candidate if you don't believe in global warming.

You cannot be a serious candidate if you think gay people don't deserve all of the same rights as straights, including the right to get married.

And sorry, but you absolutely cannot be a serious candidate if you think that our current president was born somewhere other than Hawaii.

Most of the republican wannabes fail on all of these measures. Simply put, they are not serious candidates. And until they decide to be serious candidates, I refuse to call them by their serious-sounding names.

So, from now on, Sarah Palin will be known as Granny Shitforbrains.

And Newt Gingrich shall be known as Phil Anderer

Mitt Romney? This is tough. You could go the Mormon route, but I find it a bit absurd that he gets called out for his 'extreme' religious beliefs by evangelical wackjobs. So, instead, I will simply call him Studly McFancypants.

Mike Huckabee is now Droopy Tits.

Michelle Bachmann is now Gods Greatestmistake

Tim Pawlenty gets to keep his name because no one knows who the fuck he is anyway.

Ron Paul shall now be called Psycho.

Rick Santorum is now Satan.

And everyone's favorite douchebag, Donald Trump, shall henceforth be known as SeƱor Cocksucker.

Now, these names don't have to forever. Any one of these candidates can have their old moniker back with one simple statement:

"I (state your name), do hereby renounce idiocy in all its forms. I will allow reason to guide my political and personal beliefs and I will speak out against those who refuse to follow the same path."

So whaddya say Mrs. Shitforbrains? You in?

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