Friday, June 24, 2011

Congress and Biden solve debt crisis, agree to sell ad space on the Capitol dome

Catastrophe averted.

Vice President Joe Biden stood proudly on the steps of congress this morning, nestled between Congressman John Boehner and Senator Harry Reid.

"I am proud to announce that our administration has worked out a deal with the leadership in congress to sell advertising space on the Capitol Dome. This is a defining moment in US History and I am honored to be a part of it."

The details are still being worked out, but Reid explained that they already have interest from many corporations.

"McDonald's, Wal-Mart, Chuck E. Cheese, all of the big guys have reached out. We're really excited about it."

Boehner explains how they finally reached that 'ah-ha' moment.

"We're all sitting around the conference table, sipping mountain dews. Every time someone suggests a program to cut, someone else starts yammering about how that cut will piss off one of their corporate donors. You've got the corn lobby, the potato guys, the military contractors, the telcom dudes and of course all the whole big oil crew. We're all looking around at each other, cracking up, realizing just how deep we are in the pockets of these corporations."

They all share a laugh and then Boehner continues.

"So I'm like, man, if only there was some way we could do something to close this damn budget gap that would also make our corporate benefactors happy. And that's when Biden starts jumping out of his chair like he's got termites in his trousers."

Biden chimes in.

"I was just so damned excited. Advertising on the Capitol dome! I mean, why the fuck hadn't we thought of this before? It's genius. I still get a little wood just thinking about it."

Reid could barely contain his excitement at the possibilities this new plan could lead to.

"This is so much bigger than the Capitol dome. I see us whoring out all of the monuments to corporate players. And why not, they're all such boring pieces of shit anyway. In fact, we've already received a call from Viagra for permanent sponsorship of the Washington Monument."

When asked if they saw any conflict of interest with their new proposal, the three men stared blankly for a few seconds and then burst out laughing. When they finally calmed down, Biden summed things up.

"Listen, we all know what's going on in this town. Every last one of us is bought and paid for by somebody. Instead of trying to deny it, let's embrace it. Is anyone really going to be that offended when they visit the Taco Bell Vietnam Veterans Memorial?

Biden pauses for a second, then flashes his trademark toothy grin.

"Not when they get a free Chalupa at the end of their tour."

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