Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Take your happy pills dammit

Stop whining already.

If you would just buck up and turn that damned frown upside down, we wouldn't be in this whole never-ending recession mess.

As this article in the Atlantic Monthly points out, the biggest problem with the economy is not that companies are hoarding cash and refusing to hire people. It's not that millions of Americans are trapped in homes that are worth a fraction of what they owe on them. It's not that soaring energy costs have squeezed family budgets to the breaking point.

Nope. The problem is you. You've got an attitude problem.

You don't see CEOs and corporate board members walking around with their tails between their legs, do you? No. And you wanna know why? It's not because they're pulling in record-breaking salaries and earning bonuses that could buy you out of your home 10 times over. That's not it. It's because they are chipper and upbeat. They don't see the glass as half empty—they see it filled to the rim with the 30-year-old single malt scotch they received as a gift from one of their grateful shareholders.

Not sure you can muster up the same level of enthusiasm?

The solution is obvious. We need to get everyone on anti-depressants, stat. Not only will people stop feeling so damned glum about the whole "I don't have a job and my home is being taken away from me" thing, it will also pump money into the pharmaceutical companies, which will be sure to please their shareholders.

Which means even more scotch for the corporate execs. See? Everyone's happy!

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