Sunday, July 31, 2011

Congress searching for it's next made-up crisis

"I can't believe it's almost over.

A wistful Mitch McConnell wipes a tear from his ample cheek as he mourns the approaching end of the debt ceiling debate.

"This was our finest hour. Or 2,000 hours, as the case may be. I am so proud of what we've done here. We managed to take a meaningless procedural vote on the debt ceiling and turn it into the crisis of the new millenium. That's impressive. I'm just not sure we can top ourselves. And that makes me kind of sad."

McConnell sniffles and takes a sip of chamomile tea. We are joined by Speaker Boehner, who is surprisingly tear-free.

"I've got some ideas. I'm not willing to accept that this is our finest hour. Sure, it's been an awesome ride. It's not often you get to fuck with American lives and get a huge spike in media coverage at the same time. That's kind of the holy grail for us legislators. Doesn't happen every day. But I refuse to believe our best days are nearly behind us. We are a resilient bunch. We'll find a way to screw people over and get the proper amount of media buzz yet again."

A barely perceptible smile appears on McConnell's face.

"You really think so, Johnny?"

Boehner throws down a quick shot of Jameson and continues.

"I don't think so, Mitch, I know so. I've never been more confident in our ability to act completely against the interests of the American people. Shit, we barely broke a sweat on this debt ceiling nonsense. Sure, Obama hurled a few insults our way, calling us babies, whah, whah, whah. Whatever, that shit just stoked the media fires even more. Bring it Barry, tell us to eat our peas! That was a good one. Gotta hand it to that guy, he's got a way with words."

McConnell is now visibly excited, his jowls starting to jiggle.

"Ha ha, Johnny. You know the funniest part? I already like peas! Stupid president."

Boehner chuckles.

"Now you're getting it, Mitchy. We've got this guy by the balls now. We can come up with any kind of crazy crap we want and he'll go along. I'm thinking of having a Republicans-only pool built in the backyard of the White House. We can float out there on our inflatable easy-chairs, eating peas and chugging margaritas all day long. I can just hear Obama now, 'John, you can have your pool, but no diving board.' Ha! Okay, Mr. President, you win!"

McConnell stiffens a bit.

"Margaritas? Ain't they Mexican drinks?"

Boehner smiles.

"Damn right. I'm thinking our next big 'crisis' will be immigration reform. Might as well figure out what makes those little fuckers tick before we start deporting their asses."

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